Sophia is excited to announce she will finally take the risk and move into her own $3000 one bedroom apartment in Bushwick.

Reagan has been shot, although this time with a different type of bullet.

Bluestone Lane and bitches

What is one piece of advice you’d give your younger self?

John Cassian, a staunch Catholic and ghost stuck in purgatory in Smith Hall room 206, refuses to ‘go into the light’ for fear of going to Hell.

As an Instagram-based climate activist, I’m all about saving the turtles, just not when it’s this fucking ugly.

Josh Smith had been using the “My Grandma died” email as a surefire way to get out of class for years.

Chapman should have less housing, probably.

Looking for more ways to contribute to your glorified eating disorder?

“The Fiji party was supposed to be 1920’s prohibition era themed so I was a little confused by all the sand”

Finally, the voice inside your head (that your therapist tells you not to listen to) has been heard!

“What do you want from QDOBA, babe?” My heart skipped a beat.

Stephen Galloway will be stepping down on the first of next month and will be replaced by the artist of those three songs you know. Say hey what’s up hello to…the legendary Fetty Wap.

“Let me in on your little orgy or I’ll file a noise complaint.”

“WAH-WAH WAH, WAH-WAH WAH. WAH.”

Translation: “You are gay”

Noooooo one knows I’m still drunk from last night in my morning labbbbbbbbb. XP

Hear ye! Hear ye! We have a proposition!

Confused and dazed? Struggling to feel normal? Having difficulty waking up and putting your boobs on? It's possible that you’re either super ugly or just a person of color at Chapman University.

Wilkinson College, the “heart and soul” of Chapman, excitedly announces “big things” this semester after receiving a generous donation of $20.

What began as harmless participation and Instagram story viewing led sophomore Vivienne Capes into a nightmare of epic proportions.

block and report @hoovesliquor ……….

“We are thrilled to unveil a fourth star on our prestigious Walk of Fame for Janet, who plays girl number 3 in the new season of that one show about college kids!”

RA’s get one universal key and think they’re god or something

Geordie MacMalton answers “What would you do if you were better than everybody else?”

Who really gives a fuck about a New Year’s Resolution?

It was recently announced that Argyros School of Business will no longer be enrolling new students for their hugely popular and successful BA in Making Lots of Money.

Interterm isn’t real and I’ll tell you why.

LET’S BURN SANDI SIMON TO THE GROUND! … again

“They made me DEI chair and I genuinely believe it's just because I’m a little bit funny and have a nose ring.” 

Guys oh my god stop asking me if I’m in Dodge hahahaha!!! I told you before I like WATCHING movies lolzzzz!!!!!

Imagine buying the textbook (VIRGIN!!!!!)

Number one way to get on Struppa’s hit list: canoodle.

Last week, five lucky students were shocked to find golden pepperonis on their custom, thin crust pies, forcing them to compete for the position of CEO of Pizza Press.

XOXO

Unfortunately for Señora Hendriks’ Spanish 102 class, The New York Times recently released an article on how to engage zillennial students in class.

Look at them, using those Intro to Business notes!

I heard bad boy editor tottttaallllyy fucks

A PSA from the Streets: FUCK NON-WALKABLE CITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We have a very rigorous, unfun selection of majors (but a smaller selection for women) to choose from.” -Prof. Ebenezer Scrooge

Upon reading this, the number of missing students just jumped to 90.

Thinking about the next time I start coming down with symptoms……

Wait. Pause. There ISN’T a Google Form for this??????????

I am 19. Just a freshman, new to the area, fresh outta Mary Jane.

Dear fans and admirers…

I need to get this off my chest.

Dear Diary….

With Halloweekend approaching and guys at their absolute creepiest, we wanted to compile a list of ways to get that weirdo the fuck away from you.

Dodge student, Mason Dick, Film Prod ‘23 plans to file a claim against Netflix for copyright infringement for recent Korean Netflix hit Squid Game, which Dick claims to have written for his Dodge AP Film.

Last Saturday, freshman Creative Writing major Riley Jones expected a normal night at Beta with her “biotches.”

Make a little ghost out of toilet paper and put it on the bathroom counter to spook your roommates.

Welcome back girlies! With my senior year beginning, I have been given the opportunity to reflect on some of my own Orientation Week experiences and be a shining light of guidance, beauty, and mystery for our new freshman readers.

I’m vaxxed. COVID is gone (duh.) Now, i NEEEED to lick some stuff. Here’s a list of all the stuff my tongue is gonna touch this O - week:

After being a part of what was dubbed “one of the funnier nutrition science classes I’ve ever taught” by her professor last semester, junior Audrey Woodward plans to take her brand of zoom humor to campus.

After a full year, the time has finally come for the resurrection of sweat, tears, and moral ambiguity that is a college fraternity party.

Checking in with the department of Residence Life & First Year Experience about their O-Week plans, the Kumquat learned that Chapman is sending out mandatory waivers and NDAs to all incoming freshmen, specifically for the coveted Playfair event.

What the hell were you thinking accepting an admission offer to “Chapman University”?

Senior OL Mason Meyers spent the last three months scouring the internet for the latest trends that the Class of 2024 created in order to relate to them; his findings are quite troubling.

There’s a new editor in town and he’s your worst fucking nightmare.

Recently, the Kumquat launched into an emergency investigation when one of our writers was like, “Hold on, do you guys remember, like, the Chaptones and stuff? Where are they?”

A spooky tale on the high seas!

Please check if you meet any of the following requirements.

Why couldn’t you just keep your nut to yourself?

Put me out of my misery.

Hannah Dulin, DG Risk Manager 23’, redefines what it means to be a #girlboss.

“No one is coming to the town halls and I really need to get this message out there”

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

As my time in Phi Delt comes to a close, it’s hard for me to find the words to describe how I feel leaving this chapter behind.

Ugh, and we thought 2020 was bad.

You dumb bitch. You dumb fucking bitch.

After Reagan gave us lonely puppy dog eyes, it was decided that he needs some friends.

Please continue to DM me asking how you a sorority girl with a lightning bolt and butterfly emoji in your bio can end racism.

This is just in time for Darty Season!

To: Black Student Union

From: Chapman Professor

Is this how I spend eternity?

Who created me? What purpose do I serve?

I can’t remember anything. Why is this happening to me?

I have no clue how I got in here. I have no clue how to get out.

Hey! You! Yeah you man. You gotta fucking help me. I’m stuck in this website.

Read the fucking article asshat.

umm are u stupid?? click the link!

“We did it”

It’s a landmark year for American politics, but as the nation’s disenfranchised fight for their right to be treated as human beings, still others are asking questions like, “Why should I care?”

DM us for the full list that runs around 50 pages

I literally don’t know how to handle all these “we should hang when you get back” texts from guys I simply never want to hang with.

Public safety officer Jerome McGuire just wants to make sure you don’t mean him when you say “ALL cops are bastards.”

I just wanted to speak up and share my allyship plan for the coming months.

He’d put too many hours into his brand as THE Chapman male feminist to just, pivot to a different thing.

Undie Run is upon us, and the streets are buzzing.

The Uber Drivers of Orange County sent us this list and offered us 10% off our next ride to publish. We don’t agree with a lot of it, but here’s to selling out!

At the beginning of the Fall 2019 semester, an anonymous senior English minor told the Kumquat, “This is the semester I, Kim, will finally bang.”

Climate change isn’t the only thing making California hot (Sidenote: is having kids still ethical?)

 Sophomore Ian Isaacs is going to...Ethpaña!

On Saturday, Pi Kappa Alpha, also known as “the scary frat,” hosted their Annual Veteran’s Day pool party.

Emma was just trying to have a Happy Halloween, but after she was brutally name dropped in last month’s Kumquat issue, that became impossible.

This past month, as Pralle residents searched for a midterm study space, they were impeded time and time again by a terrifying phenomenon: the twelve-person freshman friend group.

The Fabulous Five have been inseparable since they all met at Club Galaxy. This year, they’ve decided to attend the Friday night pregame, party, afterparty, after after party, and the post-game.

Thirteenth Grader Eric Carts bought one of those pumpkin candy collecting buckets from the Target Dollar Section, but is also totally cool with not using it if that’s not the vibe.

Sophomore Connor Hewitt didn’t ask for much. He just wanted to go to a mid-size school. He also just wanted to make out with a girl and then never see her again.

Living 3.7 miles from campus can be rough, especially when your bae lives in The K.

Freshmen skate crew “The Wheely Wheely Good Skaters” is on the grind for an additional grimey grom to fill in for our boy, Dylan.

The Hashinger Basement Cucumber incident last year sparked a national conversation about fraternity hazing, and Chapman has been forced to tighten their regulations.

Chapman-approved wall adhesive and sticky tack were nowhere to be found in Kramer’s dorm, despite numerous confederate flags hung up on his walls.

This guy absolutely fucks. He has salt and pepper hair and lips that yearn to be kissed. He has this dangerous look in his eyes that scream “I sent people to Iraq.”

Word is out that taking 40 rips from a flavored e-cigarette might just be unhealthy.

After rolling up his sleeves, Alan (as the students can now call him) told the class that he sometimes likes to joke around with his students, but all in good fun.

Put down the protein supplements, get the fuck off those ellipticals — your favorite excuse to eat basically ice cream is back and more accessible than ever.

Rising sophomore Aaron Carney is reportedly “very excited” to be condescending as fuck to his freshman friends this semester.

When Dean Jerry Price took a “We’ll Tell You if You’re Having a Hot Girl Summer” Buzzfeed quiz - the results were conclusive.

There’s a lot of excitement at the beginning of the year, but we here at The Kumquat think it is equally important to reflect and mourn what we’ve lost.

Today is a somber day for Panthers both here and abroad.

Four years has taught me a lot about myself, my friends, and, like, academics, or whatever, but what I really learned was how great Chapman is as a school.

Hey guys! I’m looking to sublease my room this summer from June to August!

The Kumquat recently sat down with freshmen Josh Morton and Maria Dunham who are planning on taking their relationship the next level with a big, splashy breakup.

After causing controversy by inviting Ben Shapiro to speak to the senior business students, Chapman said fuck it and went balls to the wall.

Guys, guys, I am not even shitting you right now, Tom Duncan, freshman film production student doesn’t even like popular things. Any of ‘em guys, he’s so fucking cool.

Student indie music is thriving at Chapman and a new group is trying their best to break into the scene.

Thank you for taking it down. Absolutely totally the right call, I cannot stress enough but like… I wrote such a good article and you guys sorta ruined it?