John Cassian, a staunch Catholic and ghost stuck in purgatory in Smith Hall room 206, refuses to ‘go into the light’ for fear of going to Hell because of the frequency with which he ‘jerked it’. “I’m ashamed of course, but I’m trying to be transparent with you… I was a complicated man. I loved God but I loved yanking my junk even more.”
“We’ve tried explaining that self-exploration is normal, but he won’t listen. Instead, he just pouts around; stomping across classrooms, moving books slightly to the left or right, and making people really chilly all of a sudden,” said Katie Smith, a Healthy Panther representative.
Unnamed Senior Kumquat reporter found they really related to the ghost’s issues. “With graduation coming up, I feel like he and I are going through the exact same thing. I’m terrified of graduating and going to Hell (Corporate America) and, I also masturbate way too much and will probably go to real Hell for it. Point is, I guess, change is inevitable and healthy. So is masturbation.”
