This just in: despite having a “Chastity and Churros” community event just last week, Henley Hall RA Max Richie has been getting absolutely insane amounts of pussy, cock, and balls. According to residents in Mr. Dick’s “Fenestra Living Learning Community,” the unbridled sound of passionate and intense lovemaking can be heard nearly 24/7, with a line of Chapman’s most eligible waiting their turn in the hallway.
“I thought it’d be nice to live next to the guy who gives me lockout codes,” says freshman resident Brett Abramson, “but every waking hour the wall shakes, quivers, and bursts with the uncontrolled cries of pure ecstasy. I can’t sleep, I’m so aroused.”
In order to investigate why some fucking hall monitor has a higher body count than us, we sent our investigative agent, Kummy, to the scene. Returning bow-legged, Kummy reported that besides “manipulating a position of power to exploit underclassmen for personal gain,” RA Richie also had a “huge cock.”
Guess that means we’ll be showing up to the “Salsa and Studying” event next Friday! Hubba hubba!
