The Saintiest Saint, Santa Claus is under fire after a 2022 FBI report revealed that those in marginalized communities have not been receiving presents. When pressed for questioning by Kumquat's only Black writer, Santa quickly avoided eye contact, clinched his sack tightly, rushed to his sleigh, and fled the scene.
“I just think it’s really unfair,” stated Kappa Alpha Theta member Chelsea Monroe. “African Americans deserve presents too. I’m sorry, I mean people of color. Not that I see color! That’s just the term they use.”
However, Monroe’s sentiments are not shared by those in the Black community. Qdoba employee, Darrell Jackson, stated, as he smoked medicinal cannabis in front of customers, “Shiiiittt. I don’t need some overweight ass, ho ho ho, nigga comin’ in my house drinkin’ up my milk and cookies. Dafuq! This ain’t a charity.”
His fellow employee, Destiny S. Child agrees with him, commenting, as she claps every syllable, “If this Krispy Kreme filled ass man comes down my chimney, he best believe, it’s on sight!”
