About US
The Kumquat was founded in 2018 after the editors reached out to The Panther about doing a satire column and NEVER HEARD BACK. Despite the devastation of being ghosted, we bounced back and have grown and established ourselves as Chapman’s Most Reliable News Source. We drop print issues once a month, all around campus, as well as breaking news updates on twitter and instagram and now additional website content! We hope you enjoy scrolling through our silly lil website and laugh at all our dumb dumb jokes. Also please buy our merch. We are so broke. Also we hope to have a percentage of the money go to an environmental charity to offset the amount of paper we use. WE’RE GOOD PEOPLE.
Editors in chief
Skwunk Editor:
Sometimes I go to 7/11 and mix all the fountain drinks together in a Big Gulp cup. I call it a Skwunkicide and I wash it down by eating cigarettes.
Anti-Editor #69:
Selling my Proscan 32” TV. Mint condition, except it only works for 20 minutes before the screen goes black and you need to turn it off for 24 hours. DM for prices. Accepting bitcoin.
Executive staff
Graphic Designer:
6 inches soft, 9 inches hard. medium girth. slightly curves left. vein on the right side. pink tip. balls hanging low with right one being a bit bigger.
Web Editor:
tell the editors that you like the website. please. i have been trapped in the hasinger basement for weeks. what month is it?? someone tell me my parents im alive
The Staff
Staff Writer “MT”
It’s me, Margret Thatcher! That’s right, I’ve come back from the dead, channeling my spirit through the bust that was so graciously installed on Chapman’s campus, and joined this college’s comedy newsletter. If there’s anybody who can imbue a sense of dignity to this publication it’s me, “The Iron Lady”, now literally made of iron!
He Who Watches:
God has left us. On this insolent rock, we continue to put on a grand circus for no audience. All that hears is indifferent. All that speaks is silent. And all that watches… all that is watching is the cold void of the cosmos, the echoes of your own screams in the vastness of the universe.
The Hog of Warts:
I’m not a hog nor do I have warts, but I do like to get my hands dirty even if that increases my chances of contracting an infectious disease. I mean YOLO am I right?
Staff Writer #2:
Former fearless leader turned humble staff writer. First kumquat editor to voluntarily resign (under pressure) and the holder of “most funniest on the team” award 14 months in a row.
Staff Writer #101:
Normal average human person student writing for normal satire paper. Very funny. Normal. Average. Human person doing human person things at human person University. Definitely not a cat. Human normal person writer. I love oatmeal
Snazzy:
… We're like, na, na, na (na, na, na)
Then we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Always like, na, na, na (na, na, na)
Then we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)
We're like, na, na, na (na, na, na)
Then we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Always like, na, na, na (na, na, na)
Then we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)
No, we can't make up our minds (minds)
'Cause when we think we got it right (right)
We go, na, na, na
Staff Writer #80085:
Favorite dessert: chocolate brownie sundae
Staff Writer #4:
I-It’s not like I’m a writer or anything… *kisses you and runs off*
Staff Writer #25:
Cartoonist - A common slang word for someone who is attractive, to say they are hot (adj.) or call them a hottie (n.)
Baby:
I’m the baby of this bunch of silly geese and this is me taking a nappy. I’m so baby and little and dainty and no one would except a little baby like me to be such a devilish whitty writer. If you think you’re safe from being made fun of you’re wrong, I will find you and write the most bogus article. And you’ll never know it’s me cause I’m baby. One thing I’ll say is all you fools who stole baby from me, it’s mine, I’m the most baby that has ever been on Chapman campus. Fear me, adore me, love me.
Former Staff
OOMF in Chief
Pee pee poo poo mee mee moo moo binky bonky. She lives and works in Brooklyn, New York.
Hot Girl Editor
Never not objectifying herself while still accusing everyone of misogyny. For instance, she is dainty but still has great tits and an ass and you’re a fucking pig for even imagining that. She plays the role of “disappointment to the immigrant parents” elegantly and does not wish to address her questionable dating history at this time. She is kind of dumb and h word constantly but we don’t talk about it bc she is that hot and popular.
Staff Writer #14 doesn't actually write but is the sexiest one on staff. No one’s sure if I’m actually funny (I’m not). Bravely loves being in a sorority. Has painted a cooler before. Planning on going to Coachella this year if you wanna split an AirBnB.
ENDERMISS
I can spread my toes abnormally far I accidentally get wine drunk every other day my hobbies include minecraft, crying, and trying to corral stray cats into my house known for my stankey leg. Been ignored by both Raini Rodriguez and the ghost adventures team. Was in a group chat for kids with scoliosis in 6th grade
Staff Writer #626: anxiety and daddy issues make her relatable but OCD makes her qUiRKy! says she’s a slut for strawberry milkshakes but she’s actually just a slut in general
Staff Writer #45:
Gives off wholesome energy. Comedic cringe is very on brand for her. Will repeat a joke even though no one laughed the first time. Had tea to tell you but already forgot it :/ Unironically believes that the bachelor is the best show on television. Smiles aggressively.
Videographer #1: Student athlete. Very athletic. Super popular. No insecurities. 5’4” if it matters.
Staff Writer #L: Not an actual writer. Graphic design is my ~passion~. Currently concussed. Might pass out later.
Leesaw Spharks Tall, dark, and handsome. Actively trying to get to Boot Barn and become a cowboy. Would not win the Hunger Games, but would beat everyone on the staff. Voted most pretty by me.
Staff Writer #13: paranoid, superstitious, afraid. swishes 3's. never seen a movie. can read any book in 12 minutes.
Im not giving this guy a name until he follows me back on twitter
I like drawing pictures of animals doing people things (i.e. wearing hats/monocles). Very cold as I write this. Folks, should I put on a jacket?? Should I do it???
bad bitch addison rea
Wouldn’t you like to know weather-boy
Agent P
Waiting for my dick appointment to finish ordering pizza so I can peg him. He better not get red onions on it.
Poot Lovato.
Demi’s twin sister. She was locked in a basement her whole life. This picture was taken the first time she went outside. She has a name, and that name is Poot.
The Eagle of Death
Writing jokes and fist bumping folks
Staff Writer #9 is just happy to be here.
Staff Writer #2: I like dogs, craft beers, and basketball. If I was one of The Wiggles, I'd probably be Murray. People would likely describe me as, "nice," or "who?" Also went to high school with Clairo and she was an asshole.