On the afternoon of Monday, February 14th, Samantha Hanley and Mark Thompson were caught canoodling in that little pathway behind the Fish Interfaith Center. Well, not “canoodling” – Thompson was really going at it from behind while Hanley had herself pressed up against an abstract, brass fountain.
P-Safe uncovered the couple after a call from students inside the chapel who feared that the animalistic and guttural noises echoing through the walls was a sign of the Second Coming. “I thought I was literally going to be swarmed by locusts or something,” said Sophomore Kailey Williams. “But then what we found was people fucking.”
Administration says they plan to discipline the two by forcing them to attend DKA rush events, which Struppa himself had deemed as “completely sexless.” When asked if they regretted their choice to loudly and publicly fornicate, Thompson immediately said, “Oh my god, yeah. It was awesome, like it was so good, it was good for you right?” To which Hanley replied, “sure.”
