After the summer brought a wave of reckoning upon the Chapman community, COPA has finally decided to take a stand for diversity. Kumquat reporters have discovered the admittance of transfer student Aaron Porter who sources say looks like a complete dumpster fire. “It’s really interesting,” Dean of COPA Giulio Ongaro said in an interview. “Most of our students are the pristine image of beauty, but this little fuck has got big ol’ glasses and stink lines coming out of every orifice”. When I pointed out that he sounded like a bully, Dean Ongaro gave me a wedgie and kickflipped away. Mr. Porter, 20, is reportedly getting along with his new classmates already. “The group-me is pretty fun”, he said in a sit-down with the Kumquat. “They sorta like to ask me if my face is real and then show me three identical headshots and make me tell them which one is the best.” Aaron is ready to find his spot in the Chapman creative community. “I feel like I’ve always been misunderstood. If someone at Chapman were to maybe make a movie about a teenage boy who is sad and misunderstood, I think I could really excel. But then again, who in Dodge College would want to tell that brave story?” We all hope Mr. Porter can find that role, and take solace in the fact that he’s still better looking than every director he’ll audition for.
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