After a full year, the time has finally come for the resurrection of sweat, tears, and moral ambiguity that is a college fraternity party.
“I have been pre-gaming since literally March of 2020,” says junior Miranda Hastings, who donned the official drunk white woman uniform (black skinny jeans, black one shoulder Brandy Melville top, white Converse, Gucci Belt) while we interviewed her. “Call Her Daddy, Pink Whitney, self tanner,” she slurred while being carried out of Firehouse by the only friend who was not annoyed enough to let her die of alcohol poisoning.
For those who aren’t completely blacked, these parties have proved to be a bit of a let down. “I’m not saying I’m not having fun but like it seems like maybe we should call the Uber soon since things are starting to die down?” commented senior Samantha Jensen when we interrupted the 20 minutes of small talk she was enduring with some guy from her FFC three years ago in the corner of a party that was very much not dying down. “I remember these being a lot crazier but maybe it’s because I was a freshman girl and everyone was trying to fuck me,” the washed up old hag elaborated.
To ensure a successful O week, IFC is now requiring a negative COVID test for entry into all parties as well as a mandatory squirt of hand sanitizer before and after any fingering in the bathroom occurs.
