Mysteriously and without warning, family care package deliveries have stalled for one Ashleigh Fillizola, a freshman, poli-sci major, and benefactor of three suitemates. “I went to Sandhu to pick up my usual allowance of my favorite snacks last Tuesday,” says Ms. Fillizola, “but they weren’t there! All I got was a Hallmark card from my Grandma, and there wasn’t even money in it!” After subsisting solely off of artisan snacks and Starbucks since O-week, Ashleigh worries of how she will now provide for the dependents of her Glass Hall Apartment. “I don’t know how we will survive without the peanut-buttery embrace of my mother’s homemade Reese's Pieces Cookies, or without the solace of our Japanese-imported limited-edition ‘wyld style’ Doritos,” she says, “and God forbid, once our rations of Tiramisu Oreos run out, I fear for the sanctity of my very soul.” Ashleigh hopes to plead for amnesty at the family summit meeting this Thanksgiving, but considering her Aunt called her a “harlot” last time, prospects are grim. And while the alternative of eating normal food at the Caf may be a dark one, Ashleigh admits it may be a necessary evil after a severe deficiency of Trader Joe's Lemon Elderflower soda put her roommate Serenity Albers into anaphylactic shock.
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