Alpha Phi was left in the lurch this past week when senior Screenwriting major, Zoe Fromm, decided after 3 years of carrying the weight of the entire sorority’s personality on her shoulders that enough is enough: “They made me DEI chair and I genuinely believe it's just because I’m a little bit funny and have a nose ring.”
When Zoe told her Alpha Phi president, Jillian Stickupherass, that she was dropping, Jillian got down on hand and knee and begged Zoe to stay. “I was surprised since I’m pretty sure Jillian never liked me anyways; last recruitment she screamed at me for wearing cream instead of white on Values Day. I think she just wants me to stay because I’m the only one who even vaguely knows what our philanthropy does— something about blindness?”
With Zoe no longer around for recruitment, Alpha Phi had no chance at tricking PNMs into thinking there are “alternative” aka regular people in the sorority. As a last resort, President Jillian forced Alpha Phi’s social chair, Casey Slicker, to cut bangs and join the Collective. “If that doesn’t work, I can just come out as like, pansexual or something… I mean, there’s no way to prove that.”
