Sophomore SCC majors Emma Johnson and Taylor Smith were so thrilled with President Struppa’s recent announcement that they decided to celebrate by committing biological warfare. Struppa declared that students whose families make biannual contributions of at least $1300 to Chapman and maintain an income of $500k< were officially free of any existing COVID restrictions, including weekly testing.
“This is just in time for Darty Season,” said Taylor, through tears of bittersweet joy. “The coronavirus took literally everything from me….spring formal, heaven and hell….I had literally nothing to live for anymore!!!”
Emma echoed Taylor’s sentiments, describing in detail the intense emotional trauma they had endured while quarantining at their 2500 square foot, $1.3 million beach front vacation home in Maui.
“I am just so fucking glad this nightmare has finally come to an end so I can get the hell out of here. No one seems to understand how easy it is to lose your mind locked up in the house for months when all you have is a rooftop pool and jacuzzi, an indoor theater, only one personal chef, and a really small yacht.”
True to their genocidal colonizing ancestors, Emma and Taylor infected at least 340 locals over the duration of their reign of terror nine-month stay. They returned just in time for a Conquistabros and Navahoes themed frat party (the hosting fraternity threatened us with litigation if we published their name).
