Hear ye! Hear ye! Five fortnights ago, President Struppa declared the acquisition of territory in the Anaheim province, a plot of land henceforth christened “Chapman Court.” This glorious annexation was made in order to secure the life, liberty, and tuition of 6,000 more over-admitted freshmen through expanding the borders of the Chapman nation. While this territory will soon be an apartment complex, it is currently a boundless landscape of untamed wilderness!
Which is why we need you, intrepid adventurer! Res Life is currently looking for young and spry (and preferably white) “Panther Colonists” willing to manifest their destiny and conquer this mighty backcountry using nothing but their rugged individualism. Besides the opportunity to live a life of freedom, independence, and unrestricted candle ownership, any brave pilgrims willing to decimate the native populations, deforest the lands of West Anaheim, and potentially perish from dysentery will be rewarded with an indentured servant and a discounted boarding fee of only $14,000 per semester!
So what are you waiting for, settler? Instead of writing those angry emails about how your dorm is overpopulated, grab your ax and musket and get out there! A god-given providence awaits!
