Noah Moore, a junior at Chapman, committed a major faux-pas this Monday when he told his teacher he and his bros stumbled across a magic cave behind Phish which grants superpowers, such as flight and superhuman strength, to those who lay both hands upon a glowing blue wall within its deepest chamber. “That fucking chode!” exclaimed Noah’s fellow cave-discoverer Brett Laxton. “I was gonna use my telekinesis to impress my crush Stacy. Now everyone knows and my powers aren’t impressive! Noah is so dead.” University president Daniele Struppa has a different opinion. “I believe all students should follow Noah’s example and tell their teachers about superpower-granting geological sites,” he said with his hands placed flat on the glowing blue wall of the cave’s deepest chamber. “Brett needs to chill out, man,” Noah defended. “Like, isn’t having superpowers good enough? It doesn’t seem like a big deal.” “Not a big fucking deal?!” Brett exclaimed in astonishment. “That’s like bro-code rule number 1: don’t spill the damn beans about our superpowers!” Meanwhile, school administration is scrambling to issue new guidelines for the hundreds of students and faculty members who have gone to the cave and obtained superhuman abilities. It is unclear at the moment if those with rapid regenerative properties are eligible to opt out of daily COVID screenings.
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