Undie Run is upon us, and the streets are buzzing. However, freshman Alex McGuire is slightly nervous, and for good reason. McGuire has an enormous cock. Kumquat staff tried to sit down with Alex for an interview but it was no use. His monster dong was simply too big and got in the way. In a written statement, McGuire lamented his situation.
“It’s not fair,” writes McGuire. “If Chapman is so dedicated to having an inclusive campus environment, then where are the accommodations for me and my forty pound hose?” When pressed for comment, administration officials said, “Ew, why’d he call it a hose?” Time will tell how this issue will be sorted out. “I’m just afraid that if I run, it will swing and slap my roommate Trevor in the face. It’s a public health issue.” If unable to attend Undie Run, Alex says he’ll spend the night with his girlfriend Nicole and her “ginormous fifty foot cavernous pussy.”
