In anticipation of the rabid, delinquent, and ne'er-do-well freshmen that will soon flood Chapman’s innocent community, this year’s Resident Advisors have been authorized to use “controlled violence” in response to conduct breaches.
“We’ve been trying out the ‘restorative and forgiving’ approach for a while now,” laments Sandhu RD Tom Alejandro, “but these kids are out of control. I lost two good advisors last week, dammit. We need emergency measures.”
These measures are intended to shift the RA position away from “friendly advocate” into the role of “judge, jury, and executioner” and will enable the use of no-knock warrants, shoot-first policies, removal of body cams, and tactical grenades. Parties will be tear-gassed, arguing roommates will be tazed, and rooms suspected of illegal candle usage will be raided via R.A. S.W.A.T.
Some sissy losers complain that these policies are an “infringement of civil liberties” and that “martial law” is “bad.” However, us patriots at the Kumquat believe that these new changes are badass and cool. Protect the Thin Red Line!
