Recently, the Kumquat launched into an emergency investigation when one of our writers was like, “Hold on, do you guys remember, like, the Chaptones and stuff? Where are they?”
“My roommate is in Simply Vocale,” junior theatre major Valentyna Simon said. “She will sometimes sit in the corner of the living room and beatbox to herself uncontrollably. It’s concerning.”
Simon shared an incident that occurred on her birthday over interterm. “I wanted to watch Pitch Perfect, and she literally punched me.” She briefly lowered her mask to reveal her very fucked up nose. “That same night, she performed the Cup Song in her dark room for I think six hours.”
As it turns out, the Chapman Administration discovered that Men of Harmony has been quarantining in Salmon Recital Hall this whole time. “We’ve known about this for a while now,” a source shared. “We’re honestly just scared to release them. They may have to stay in there even after Chapman opens back up… it’s bad…”
The Kumquat begged to know what was happening there, and they just continued to shake their head and refuse. If anyone has seen our writer Steve, he was our Men of Harmony correspondent and we haven’t seen him since Thursday… please… he was so young.
