Memorial Lawn Getting “A Little Too Comfortable”

Over a year after the closing of campus, the entire Chapman family has grown accustomed to online schooling. However, there is some concern in the administration that one vital part of the community may grow too accustomed to the new normal. “Memorial Lawn is getting a little too comfortable,” one administration source told Kumquat reporters on background, “which is a shame, because next year, that lawn is fucked.” In case you forgot, Chapman hosts an annual gala in a tent on Memorial Lawn, which leaves the lawn annihilated. The Kumquat has uncovered documents revealing extensive plans to inflict hell on the lawn which, according to the documents, “got off easy this year”. “After the tent ruins the grass”, the document reads, “Chapman professors will be required to spend at least 30 minutes per day punching the grass to make sure it knows its place”.  Chapman also reportedly plans to set aside part of the budget to hire Comedy Central Roastmaster Jeff Ross to sit by the lawn with a microphone, satirically lambasting the lawn. The lawn’s ego is reportedly “out of control”, this was confirmed by an exclusive Kumquat interview with the lawn. “Bring it on”, said the lawn, sporting a leather jacket. “I’ve had sorority girls sitting on my face every day for the past year, I can handle a ‘gala’.”