At the beginning of the Fall 2019 semester, an anonymous senior English minor told the Kumquat, “This is the semester I, Kim, will finally bang.” Now, as she nears the end of her semester, she hesitantly reports, “still no bang :( ”.
According to anonymous, she’s tried EVERYTHING: Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, EHarmony, OKCupid, Hot or Not, FarmersOnly, Craigslist, Chatroulette, JDate, Facebook Marketplace, Omegle, Christian Mingle, the Long Island Medium and even patiently reading a book of poetry at Contra. Despite her gallant efforts, and some occasional hand stuff, no suitor can seem to do the Big F (big fuck).
She’s accomplished nearly every major social and academic accolade one can achieve, yet her biggest and reportedly only goal she has left is to lose the Big V (big virginity). Anonymous Kim wants to tell her fellow Panthers, “I know that virginity is a relatively heteronormative social construct designed to commodify and shame, generating sexual stigmas while perpetuating guilt and fear towards sexual experiences, further subjugating and encouraging people to engage in problematic aspects of hookup culture...but please, PLEASE can someone just fuck me before I get my diploma.”
The Kumquat wishes anonymous luck and godspeed on her journey to FuckTown to find that Big O (big orgasm).
