Left to reminisce about their lives Pre-CoCo, many Chapman students are confessing their deepest desires. “I miss stealing from frat parties. Once, I stole a tiny fedora made for a mouse from Phi Tau, it was such a rush... and now, since I can’t go to frat parties anymore I have to go to Target and steal baby clothes,” said sophomore student, Georgia Holland.
We spoke to another student, Jenna Friedman, who concurred that theft was a real luxury she took for granted. “I have a really beloved collection. An unknown streetwear sweatshirt from Beta; a stack of 150 latex-free dental dams from Delts; Harry Raftus’ Canadian flag from Phi Delt... but no, I wouldn’t self describe as a clepto. I just get like, this really good feeling when I steal things, that makes me want to do it more and more.”
To break this down for the frat men of Chapman who might be angered by this phenomenon: you see hot girl -> you are creepy to hot girl ->hot girl angry -> hot girl steal your stuff. So if there are ever frat parties again and you see a girl walking out with 8 cans of Chef Boyardee, just know that it would be super misogynistic if you tried to stop her.
