Chapman has mandated all classes immediately switch to online instruction after the newly installed Abraham Lincoln statue came to life and, according to Dean of Students Jerry Price, “ate, like, a fucking kid and her dog, goddammit.” The “fucking kid” was high schooler Dani Peralti who was touring campus with her family and little pomeranian when, at the stroke of nightfall, the Lincoln statue lept from its platform with glowing crimson eyes and attacked the group. “Its jaw unhinged like a python and consumed my daughter in one gulp,” mother Jennifer Peralti lamented.
When approached for comment, Daniele Struppa, Norma Bouchard, Matt Parlow, Colette Creppell, and the rest of the Chapman administration refused to leave the salt circle they placed inside the Fish Interfaith Center. “Are you all fucking stupid? What are you doing here, the statue might hear us!” Matt Parlow noted. Dean of Ancient Evils Salaazar Bloodhorne was more optimistic of the situation. “All according to plan…,” he mused.
