Yes, you read that right. Reagan has been shot, although this time with a different type of bullet. The perpetrator’s harrowing confession was leaked on Fizz. “It all started when my girlfriend, Keighleigh, couldn’t get me hard anymore. She’s a light 6 so I wasn’t too worried, but then I realized that nothing could get me hard, not even owning kids in my biology class that believe in evolution. I thought I was turning “soy” because of the lack of strong male role models in my life (my dad voted for Warren). But then, on the way to a Chapman Republicans meeting, I saw Him. His eyes twinkled at me from underneath his rugged cowboy hat as blood finally began to trickle down to my nether regions. I’ll spare you the rest of the gory details. But yes, P-Safe Officer Hinson, that was me who came on Ronald Reagan. Do I regret it? Not in the slightest. You can lock me away and throw away the key, but you’ll never take my newfound manhood.”
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