A new experimental language class recently came under fire after midterm grades revealed that every single student got a big fat zero. The Kumquat spoke with junior Sophie Gilbert to determine why the entire class is so stupid and bad at school. “I thought ‘experimental’ was a coded way of saying it was easy… but Charlie Brown Teacher LANG 101 is way harder than my quantum physics classes,” Sophie told our reporter. “I think the subjunctive is -WAHWAH endings… but it might be -WOHWOH. Fuck, I should have just taken Spanish at some online community college.” A 2-star RateMyProfessor review called Professor Hagemeyer, “Incomprehensible. Sounds like a trombone that smokes a pack a day.” When asked for comment, Professor Hagemeyer had this to say: “WAH-WAH WAH, WAH-WAH WAH. WAH.” We, the Kumquat, want to make clear that we do NOT condone Professor Hagemeyer’s statements on immigrants and are solely printing them to maintain our journalistic integrity. Good grief!
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