While junior Matthew Doucheface enjoyed his vacation in Cabo like a douche, the leftover food in his fridge sprouted legs and became sentient. Gary, the garbage food-man made of onions, chunky peach yogurt, and ground turkey, recently enrolled at Chapman to pursue degrees in Peace Studies and Political Science. When he isn’t taking his Interterm class, Garby devotes his free time towards building low-income housing and starting a community garden. He has also eaten several students (mostly women). Garby hopes to one day become an educator and continue to give back to his community. “I want to do my part in making the world a better place. We’re all in this together,” he said. As of the writing of this article, the number of missing students climbed to 86, and– wait, make that 87– Stephen Galloway’s dog has gone missing. Gary also has aspirations of running for student government. “I have some good ideas that might make this campus a better place for all. I also have an insatiable appetite for humans and blood sacrifice. I will not stop devouring undergrads until I am rid of this primal thirst.” When asked for comment, Matthew Doucheface was killed in a separated, unrelated Cabo drowning.
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