The K Cooking: Thanksgiving Turkey on a Budget

1. Season turkey cutlets with salt and pepper. Add to uncovered ripping hot pan. Let olive oil splatter onto the counter.

2. Drop potatoes in boiling water from high altitude to allow the water to splash out onto the counter and stove top. Once potatoes are fork-tender, drain water and add the rest of roommate’s butter and mash (note: if roommate doesn’t want you to use their butter, then use the rest of their milk instead).

3. Plate your dry turkey cutlets and mashed potatoes on two different plates. When done eating, leave both plates on the counter to attract flies and ants. Leave unwashed pot and pan in sink for roommate to clean.

4. Take another pot and pan and coat them with oil and leave those in the sink as well, for no fucking reason other than to give your roommate more shit to deal with.

5. Drop roommate’s favorite mug on the ground, the one gifted by their late grandma. If big pieces remain, break them into smaller shards that can’t be repaired. Tell roommate to “get off your back” even though you knew how much that mug meant to them.