Chapman has mandated all classes immediately switch to online instruction after the newly installed Abraham Lincoln statue came to life and, according to Dean of Students Jerry Price, “ate, like, a fucking kid and her dog, goddammit.”
Read MoreMan Bitten by Chapman Robot Now Werewolf-Robot-Thing
On a class trip to see the Boston Dynamics Robots in Keck, Fifth Year Student Oba Oliberg was unfortunately bitten. “I swear he never does anything like this,” claims the Dean of Mad Science, Dr. Salaazar Bloodhorne, with a robot dog on his lap, “he’s usually such a good boy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes you are! You are!”.
Read MoreFeminism Saved: Hot Girl Dresses as Pitbull for Halloween
After watching a Fleabag video essay on YouTube, Audrey Hammond decided to spend this Halloween destroying the patriarchy (and getting shitfaced). “You have no idea how hard it is being this hot all the time,” says Hammond, entirely unaware of how much I pull.
Read MoreHalloween Cancelled for Gay People due to Lack of Good Couples’ Costumes
Gay marriage was sooo 2015. Now, gay people are as equal as normal people in every aspect but one: couples costumes for Halloween.
Read MoreFreshman Guy Excited for his First Boy-Girl Halloween Party
Urged by his mother that he is a little old for trick or treating, Jeffrey Ames, freshman computer engineering major, has decided to attend his first coed Halloween party.
Read MoreA Harrowing Encounter and Definitely not an Excuse: the Marion Knott Ghost Train
Dearest Professor of Cinematic Arts,
My hands quake as I write this. I was late to your class once again, but I swear by my forefathers that I was stalled by a phantom force—a ghost train!
I know you will never believe me. I recall your words just last Wednesday, how you told me to stop making excuses and that it was “impossible to be delayed more than two minutes by that train crossing near The K.” But I swear to you now, Professor, had you witnessed this ghoulish sight, you would nary cross those hallowed tracks again.
Horrible and revenant, the spectral locomotive materialized in a roar of hellfire, its whistle shrieking the screams of a thousand souls! The wheels rumbled the tracks as vampire bats flew overhead. Underneath the billowing death-black steam of its engine sat a skeleton conductor. He laughed a gut wrenching cackle, the sky split in two with lightning, and I watched as the tormented ghosts of LA commuters flew by, fresh from the gates of hell.
The apparition vanished into the night as quickly as it had arrived, but I was so petrified that I had no choice but to be 33 minutes late to your class.
My apologies.
Heaven and Hell just Hell this year
I can’t remember anything. Why is this happening to me?
Read MoreFriend Group Desperately Trying to Exclude Nicole From the Group Costume
The Fabulous Five have been inseparable since they all met at Club Galaxy. This year, they’ve decided to attend the Friday night pregame, party, afterparty, after after party, and the post-game.
Read MoreFreshman unsure if other students will be trick-or-treating
Thirteenth Grader Eric Carts bought one of those pumpkin candy collecting buckets from the Target Dollar Section, but is also totally cool with not using it if that’s not the vibe.
Read MoreStruppa's Slutty Halloween Costumes!
So you can dress him up all pretty and stuff
Read MoreFreshman realizes her seasonal depression is just regular depression
First year student Jane Waters was so excited to move to California and enjoy year round warm weather after growing up in the Northeast.
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