Editorette's Letter

Ok ok ok, I know I’m drunk right now but please please just give me a cigarette…just one little cigarette. I am the Carrie Bradshaw of this fucking school, please. I will smoke it in an Alexa Chung, Kate Moss way not a townie way I promise. I just need to hold one so bad–HOLD ONE FOR A PICTURE–will not even smoke it all the way. Will take one little puff and it won’t be gross or give me an addiction it will be fashionable and very New York of me. Did you see House of Gucci? They smoked cigarettes in that. 

So now you’re telling me that you went to the bathroom of The D, you fully saw a guy selling loose cigarettes, and you didn’t get me one. You saw me wearing this leather blazer and my curtain bangs and you said ‘I don’t know if this girl would look cool smoking a cigarette…” You are a traitor. You are not listening to women right now, you are simply hearing them. I will kill you. 

Best, 

Hot Girl Editor 

Editor's Letter

Hey let me crash at your house for thanksgiving. Bad Boy Editor here, after being expelled from Chapman for pissing too many times on the dean's lawn (sorry I was drunk if anything it's a compliment) I have needed a place to stay and BAD. Don’t worry though I’m totally good for it. I’ll make it up to you by like taking out the trash and buying you cigarettes and shit. All I needs a place to park my badass motorcycle, a pack of sunflower seeds/spit bottle and a couch cushion to rest my greasy head on-I’m happy. And don't worry parents love me, (especially moms;) well until they catch me going through their medicine cabinets: speaking of which you should really let me know of any and all prescriptions your parents are taking cause my doctors get really naggy with me about “mixing pills” it’s a whole thing dude. Listen let me just run and grab my Whip-it! rig and I can move in whenever. Oh and don’t ask me about paying rent man, I really don’t believe in that kind of thing.

Interterm Issue Editor's Letter

Okay so there’s an elephant in the room...why were we (the editors of The Kumquat) not invited to Joe Biden’s inauguration? After we wrote that stuff pre-election where we were like ‘vote for Joe Biden or else ’? And you literally did. This is so fucked up. 

We know that we said we wanted to speak at commencement (and we still do) but like, we basically elected Joe Biden by writing like one and a half articles about him so it is rude that he did not invite us to the inauguration, let alone bar us from speaking. Is he afraid? Is he intimidated by both our grasp on joke structure and our vocal fan base? He was probably scared of our presence since we have a history of being angsty towards White Men Who Are In Charge. Biden’s got a lot of skeletons in his closet, and by closet we mean very out in the open and can be easily Google searched, which we encourage you to do because it’s important that we don’t forget about fighting against disenfranchisement and marginalization, just because we now have a Democrat as President. All we can do is encourage you to continue to put energy towards making our country a better place and look forward to the day where WE are inaugurated (hot girl editor will be President and male feminist editor will be VP because #girlboss duh) 

Xoxo, 

The Editors

Editors Letter

We, The Kumquat Editors, are looking for love in the time of COVID. The only thing getting in our way is that we’re afraid!! Not because of commitment or past trauma, but because some people aren’t wearing masks or are still going to parties. We get it, we want to go to parties too. We would die to go to a party (not literally because then we would just… go to a party) This is a rough time which makes us want to get absolutely plastered like no other point in our lives thus far. However, please! Like just take things seriously for like a month or two! We’ve been in quarantine for like nine months now, which means we could have been secretly pregnant this entire time and you guys wouldn’t even know because we are too scared to leave the house like a NORMAL person. We just want you to know that we’re all in this together and when this all ends (hopefully), we will drink something very strong and have a smooch. But until then, wear a mask, social distance, limit your travel, and get tested (for STDs too so that after the aforementioned smooch we can boink)

xoxo, 

The Kumquat