The K Cooking: Thanksgiving Turkey on a Budget

  1. Season turkey cutlets with salt and pepper. Add to uncovered ripping hot pan. Let olive oil splatter onto the counter.

  2. Drop potatoes in boiling water from high altitude to allow the water to splash out onto the counter and stove top. Once potatoes are fork-tender, drain water and add the rest of roommate’s butter and mash (note: if roommate doesn’t want you to use their butter, then use the rest of their milk instead).

  3. Plate your dry turkey cutlets and mashed potatoes on two different plates. When done eating, leave both plates on the counter to attract flies and ants. Leave unwashed pot and pan in sink for roommate to clean.

  4. Take another pot and pan and coat them with oil and leave those in the sink as well, for no fucking reason other than to give your roommate more shit to deal with.

  5. Drop roommate’s favorite mug on the ground, the one gifted by their late grandma. If big pieces remain, break them into smaller shards that can’t be repaired. Tell roommate to “get off your back” even though you knew how much that mug meant to them.

Man Bitten by Chapman Robot Now Werewolf-Robot-Thing

On a class trip to see the Boston Dynamics Robots in Keck, Fifth Year Student Oba Oliberg was unfortunately bitten. “I swear he never does anything like this,” claims the Dean of Mad Science, Dr. Salaazar Bloodhorne, with a robot dog on his lap, “he’s usually such a good boy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes you are! You are!”.

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A Harrowing Encounter and Definitely not an Excuse: the Marion Knott Ghost Train

Dearest Professor of Cinematic Arts, 

My hands quake as I write this. I was late to your class once again, but I swear by my forefathers that I was stalled by a phantom force—a ghost train! 

I know you will never believe me. I recall your words just last Wednesday, how you told me to stop making excuses and that it was “impossible to be delayed more than two minutes by that train crossing near The K.” But I swear to you now, Professor, had you witnessed this ghoulish sight, you would nary cross those hallowed tracks again. 

Horrible and revenant, the spectral locomotive materialized in a roar of hellfire, its whistle shrieking the screams of a thousand souls! The wheels rumbled the tracks as vampire bats flew overhead. Underneath the billowing death-black steam of its engine sat a skeleton conductor. He laughed a gut wrenching cackle, the sky split in two with lightning, and I watched as the tormented ghosts of LA commuters flew by, fresh from the gates of hell.  

The apparition vanished into the night as quickly as it had arrived, but I was so petrified that I had no choice but to be 33 minutes late to your class. 

My apologies.

So-Called "Communist" Seen at New Chipotle

Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat.

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