All Hail Dean Baniele Buppa !!!!!!!!!
Read MoreBring Back Bullying: Someone Needs to Tell This Guy He Fucking Sucks
bitches need to be taken down a few notches
Read MoreCool Professor is Liking Me Too Much….
explain the rule of thirds one more time pwetty pwease </3
Read MoreProfessor Hides Secret Clause in Syllabus that Names Him Beneficiary of your Will
The beneficiary thing is just the beginning
Read MoreInspiring New Charity Gives Dweebs A Chance to Get Laid
LET’S GET FUCKIN LAID
Read MorePete the Panther Pushes for More Ethnic Names for Panther Statues
You better hide yo kids, hide yo wife, because Pete the Panther is outraged over the lack of ethnic names for Panther statues.
Read MoreThe K Cooking: Thanksgiving Turkey on a Budget
Season turkey cutlets with salt and pepper. Add to uncovered ripping hot pan. Let olive oil splatter onto the counter.
Drop potatoes in boiling water from high altitude to allow the water to splash out onto the counter and stove top. Once potatoes are fork-tender, drain water and add the rest of roommate’s butter and mash (note: if roommate doesn’t want you to use their butter, then use the rest of their milk instead).
Plate your dry turkey cutlets and mashed potatoes on two different plates. When done eating, leave both plates on the counter to attract flies and ants. Leave unwashed pot and pan in sink for roommate to clean.
Take another pot and pan and coat them with oil and leave those in the sink as well, for no fucking reason other than to give your roommate more shit to deal with.
Drop roommate’s favorite mug on the ground, the one gifted by their late grandma. If big pieces remain, break them into smaller shards that can’t be repaired. Tell roommate to “get off your back” even though you knew how much that mug meant to them.
Happy Thanksgiving! No, I don’t have a boyfriend.
It’s Thanksgiving time again. Or, in other words, it’s time for all of my extended family members to ask me if I have a boyfriend.
Read MoreFrom the Editor's Desk
BOOO!!!
Read MoreIn-Person Classes Canceled After Lincoln Statue Comes to Life and Eats Puppies and Children
Chapman has mandated all classes immediately switch to online instruction after the newly installed Abraham Lincoln statue came to life and, according to Dean of Students Jerry Price, “ate, like, a fucking kid and her dog, goddammit.”
Read MoreMan Bitten by Chapman Robot Now Werewolf-Robot-Thing
On a class trip to see the Boston Dynamics Robots in Keck, Fifth Year Student Oba Oliberg was unfortunately bitten. “I swear he never does anything like this,” claims the Dean of Mad Science, Dr. Salaazar Bloodhorne, with a robot dog on his lap, “he’s usually such a good boy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes you are! You are!”.
Read MoreFeminism Saved: Hot Girl Dresses as Pitbull for Halloween
After watching a Fleabag video essay on YouTube, Audrey Hammond decided to spend this Halloween destroying the patriarchy (and getting shitfaced). “You have no idea how hard it is being this hot all the time,” says Hammond, entirely unaware of how much I pull.
Read MoreHalloween Cancelled for Gay People due to Lack of Good Couples’ Costumes
Gay marriage was sooo 2015. Now, gay people are as equal as normal people in every aspect but one: couples costumes for Halloween.
Read MoreFreshman Guy Excited for his First Boy-Girl Halloween Party
Urged by his mother that he is a little old for trick or treating, Jeffrey Ames, freshman computer engineering major, has decided to attend his first coed Halloween party.
Read MoreA Harrowing Encounter and Definitely not an Excuse: the Marion Knott Ghost Train
Dearest Professor of Cinematic Arts,
My hands quake as I write this. I was late to your class once again, but I swear by my forefathers that I was stalled by a phantom force—a ghost train!
I know you will never believe me. I recall your words just last Wednesday, how you told me to stop making excuses and that it was “impossible to be delayed more than two minutes by that train crossing near The K.” But I swear to you now, Professor, had you witnessed this ghoulish sight, you would nary cross those hallowed tracks again.
Horrible and revenant, the spectral locomotive materialized in a roar of hellfire, its whistle shrieking the screams of a thousand souls! The wheels rumbled the tracks as vampire bats flew overhead. Underneath the billowing death-black steam of its engine sat a skeleton conductor. He laughed a gut wrenching cackle, the sky split in two with lightning, and I watched as the tormented ghosts of LA commuters flew by, fresh from the gates of hell.
The apparition vanished into the night as quickly as it had arrived, but I was so petrified that I had no choice but to be 33 minutes late to your class.
My apologies.
Inspiring: There’s a Goblin Up There in the Chapman Bell Tower Who Rings it.
Last Saturday, when the Kumquat Investigative Team went to Fowler to throw rocks at it, we found a secret staircase behind an antique pipe organ. And after ascending countless floors full of spooky spider webs, ghastly gargoyles, and a “Law Student” we met Ginkgo Globnar, the man behind the bell.
Read MoreWeekly Horoscope: Which Circle Celebrity Are YOU?
See which silly little celebrity from the circle you are from your zodiac. If you’re a lucky duck, you may be the goose. Follow @kumhoroscopes for more!
So-Called "Communist" Seen at New Chipotle
Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat.
Read MorePlastic Drawers Linked to Chronic Health Issues (Kumquat’s First Non-Satirical Article)
What is Chapman hiding?
Read MoreWedding Announcement: Your Roommates
Congratulations to the happy couple of the Class of 2026 on their recent engagement!
Read More