Last Saturday, freshman Creative Writing major Riley Jones expected a normal night at Beta with her “biotches.”
Read More5 super spooky scary things you can do this Halloween to make your friends go “AHHH!”
Make a little ghost out of toilet paper and put it on the bathroom counter to spook your roommates.
Read MoreEditor's Letter
Welcome back girlies! With my senior year beginning, I have been given the opportunity to reflect on some of my own Orientation Week experiences and be a shining light of guidance, beauty, and mystery for our new freshman readers.
Read MoreThings I'm gonna lick this fall
I’m vaxxed. COVID is gone (duh.) Now, i NEEEED to lick some stuff. Here’s a list of all the stuff my tongue is gonna touch this O - week:
Read MoreJunior to Say Zoom Chat Jokes Out Loud Now
After being a part of what was dubbed “one of the funnier nutrition science classes I’ve ever taught” by her professor last semester, junior Audrey Woodward plans to take her brand of zoom humor to campus.
Read MoreMonths of Frat Party Romanticization Leads to Desperate Behavior
After a full year, the time has finally come for the resurrection of sweat, tears, and moral ambiguity that is a college fraternity party.
Read MoreFirst Playfair back to be so wild and dangerous, waiver and NDA required
Checking in with the department of Residence Life & First Year Experience about their O-Week plans, the Kumquat learned that Chapman is sending out mandatory waivers and NDAs to all incoming freshmen, specifically for the coveted Playfair event.
Read MoreTo My Incoming POC (Panthers of Color)
What the hell were you thinking accepting an admission offer to “Chapman University”?
Read MoreO-Week Gone Feral
Senior OL Mason Meyers spent the last three months scouring the internet for the latest trends that the Class of 2024 created in order to relate to them; his findings are quite troubling.
Read MoreApril Editors Letter. Fuck You.
There’s a new editor in town and he’s your worst fucking nightmare.
Read MoreRed Flags That Didn’t Make It Onto The Zoom Screen
bass pro shop sticker on a navy blue hydro flask
overworn tan flip flops and very hairy big toes
reagan bush 84 hat/shirt
body odor that is strangely reminiscent of buttered popcorn
wears mask below the nose
brought a skateboard into class
actually, that was kinda sick
khaki pants that are three inches too short
and they zip off and become cargo shorts that are three inches too long
black and white 2006 new balance sneakers
also his glasses were blue light glasses
Wait…Where are the A Cappella Groups Now…?
Recently, the Kumquat launched into an emergency investigation when one of our writers was like, “Hold on, do you guys remember, like, the Chaptones and stuff? Where are they?”
Read MoreMemorial Lawn Getting “A Little Too Comfortable”
Over a year after the closing of campus, the entire Chapman family has grown accustomed to online schooling. However, there is some concern in the administration that one vital part of the community may grow too accustomed to the new normal. “Memorial Lawn is getting a little too comfortable,” one administration source told Kumquat reporters on background, “which is a shame, because next year, that lawn is fucked.” In case you forgot, Chapman hosts an annual gala in a tent on Memorial Lawn, which leaves the lawn annihilated. The Kumquat has uncovered documents revealing extensive plans to inflict hell on the lawn which, according to the documents, “got off easy this year”. “After the tent ruins the grass”, the document reads, “Chapman professors will be required to spend at least 30 minutes per day punching the grass to make sure it knows its place”. Chapman also reportedly plans to set aside part of the budget to hire Comedy Central Roastmaster Jeff Ross to sit by the lawn with a microphone, satirically lambasting the lawn. The lawn’s ego is reportedly “out of control”, this was confirmed by an exclusive Kumquat interview with the lawn. “Bring it on”, said the lawn, sporting a leather jacket. “I’ve had sorority girls sitting on my face every day for the past year, I can handle a ‘gala’.”
DG Lost at Sea
A spooky tale on the high seas!
Read MoreWHO WANTS TO SMOOCH AFTER I GET MY SECOND VACCINE DOSE!!!!??!
Please check if you meet any of the following requirements.
Read MoreTo the Guy Who Moaned in My Class
Why couldn’t you just keep your nut to yourself?
Read MoreMarch Editors Letter
Cheers mates! Male feminist editor here for the first time in truly years (hot girl editor has been silencing me doing all the work because I am simultaneously busy and bored) But now, it’s Women’s History Month, so she refused to do literally anything. I’m back in the driver’s seat today to talk about a very important topic that is increasingly relevant: how I will not be able to day drink during St. Patrick’s Day. As you may know, St. Patrick’s day is an important day for people who are kind of Irish but not really (me.) Every St. Paddy’s, I drink Guinness all day and pretend to like it. However, this year, I have my stupid internship, also there’s this whole COVID thing. That being said, my internship is over at 5 and COVID will probably be over around 6, so if you want to be entertained: come to my house anytime after 5pm on the 17th and I will come outside and do a little jig for you that my Irish cousins would call insensitive. This is a sincere offer. Sláinte!
A Cry For Help
Put me out of my misery.
Read MoreSlay alert! This Girlboss Beat Cancel Culture
Hannah Dulin, DG Risk Manager 23’, redefines what it means to be a #girlboss.
Read MoreJerry Price Suggests Big Group Hug
“No one is coming to the town halls and I really need to get this message out there”
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