Red Flags That Didn’t Make It Onto The Zoom Screen

• bass pro shop sticker on a navy blue hydro flask

• overworn tan flip flops and very hairy big toes

• reagan bush 84 hat/shirt

• body odor that is strangely reminiscent of buttered popcorn

• wears mask below the nose

• brought a skateboard into class 

• actually, that was kinda sick 

• khaki pants that are three inches too short

• and they zip off and become cargo shorts that are three inches too long

• black and white 2006 new balance sneakers

• also his glasses were blue light glasses

Memorial Lawn Getting “A Little Too Comfortable”

Over a year after the closing of campus, the entire Chapman family has grown accustomed to online schooling. However, there is some concern in the administration that one vital part of the community may grow too accustomed to the new normal. “Memorial Lawn is getting a little too comfortable,” one administration source told Kumquat reporters on background, “which is a shame, because next year, that lawn is fucked.” In case you forgot, Chapman hosts an annual gala in a tent on Memorial Lawn, which leaves the lawn annihilated. The Kumquat has uncovered documents revealing extensive plans to inflict hell on the lawn which, according to the documents, “got off easy this year”. “After the tent ruins the grass”, the document reads, “Chapman professors will be required to spend at least 30 minutes per day punching the grass to make sure it knows its place”.  Chapman also reportedly plans to set aside part of the budget to hire Comedy Central Roastmaster Jeff Ross to sit by the lawn with a microphone, satirically lambasting the lawn. The lawn’s ego is reportedly “out of control”, this was confirmed by an exclusive Kumquat interview with the lawn. “Bring it on”, said the lawn, sporting a leather jacket. “I’ve had sorority girls sitting on my face every day for the past year, I can handle a ‘gala’.”

March Editors Letter

Cheers mates! Male feminist editor here for the first time in truly years (hot girl editor has been silencing me doing all the work because I am simultaneously busy and bored) But now, it’s Women’s History Month, so she refused to do literally anything. I’m back in the driver’s seat today to talk about a very important topic that is increasingly relevant: how I will not be able to day drink during St. Patrick’s Day. As you may know, St. Patrick’s day is an important day for people who are kind of Irish but not really (me.) Every St. Paddy’s, I drink Guinness all day and pretend to like it.  However, this year, I have my stupid internship, also there’s this whole COVID thing. That being said, my internship is over at 5 and COVID will probably be over around 6, so if you want to be entertained: come to my house anytime after 5pm on the 17th and I will come outside and do a little jig for you that my Irish cousins would call insensitive. This is a sincere offer. Sláinte!

As If Things Couldn’t Get Worse, The FAFSA Application is Available Now

It’s FAFSA time baby. Long believed to stand for Free Application for Federal Student Aid, the acronym for FAFSA actually stands for Fuck Ass Fuck Shit Ass. As students begin to fill out the application, FAFSA is preparing for the increase in technical difficulties and questions by laying off all but one of their employees, Lenny, who will work from 9:02 p.m. to 9:14 p.m. on the second Tuesday of every other month. 

For Chapman students, the application is likely to lead to an increase in stress dreams about being fucked by anthropomorphic subsidized loans, manic-rip-apart your home searches for your stupid social security card, and tasteful instrumentals while Lenny puts you on hold.

A poll conducted by The Kumquat found that of the 7,821 Chapman students, only 43 students actually meet the financial requirements of the FAFSA, and of those 43, 41 of them said their Mom filled it out for them. So, let this article be a reminder to us Panthers to fill out the FAFSA and lie about our family's net income as we prepare for the spring semester.