Editorette's Letter

Ok ok ok, I know I’m drunk right now but please please just give me a cigarette…just one little cigarette. I am the Carrie Bradshaw of this fucking school, please. I will smoke it in an Alexa Chung, Kate Moss way not a townie way I promise. I just need to hold one so bad–HOLD ONE FOR A PICTURE–will not even smoke it all the way. Will take one little puff and it won’t be gross or give me an addiction it will be fashionable and very New York of me. Did you see House of Gucci? They smoked cigarettes in that. 

So now you’re telling me that you went to the bathroom of The D, you fully saw a guy selling loose cigarettes, and you didn’t get me one. You saw me wearing this leather blazer and my curtain bangs and you said ‘I don’t know if this girl would look cool smoking a cigarette…” You are a traitor. You are not listening to women right now, you are simply hearing them. I will kill you. 

Best, 

Hot Girl Editor 

Caf Now Hiring Work-Study Waiters

The Caf (soon-to-be-renamed the “Randall Bar & Grill”) has begun hiring work-study table waiters in order to provide an “elevated dining experience.” The new employees will carry out various jobs such as fetching food for students, giving soda recommendations, and “doing that thing with the big pepper shaker.” To learn more about the new position, we interviewed Matt Winston as he waited on 34 tables simultaneously. 

“At first, I thought it’d be cool for my resume,” said Matt, “but I can’t feel my legs, some freshman just called me ‘garçon’, and my coworker got yelled at for serving the wrong type of sugar cookie. Plus, I only get tipped in Panther Bucks.”  Chapman’s board insists that the job opportunity isn’t “exploitive” or “diabolical,” and emphasizes the new sophistication it brings.

 “Earning less than minimum wage plus tips is industry standard,” they said in a recent statement, “Waiters are fancy! Don't you guys like to feel fancy?” We tried to ask Matt his thoughts on this statement, but he was so fatigued, we couldn’t understand what he said as he took his dying breath.

What Your Go-To Coffee Shop Says About You

• Starbucks on campus: Freshman or desperate. 

• Starbucks in Circle: Junior or townie. 

• Provisions: Professor and/or virgin. 

• Pandor: No matter how hard you try, this will not make you feel like you’re studying abroad, babe. 

• Urth: You think it’s 2014 and you’re a daily vlogger? You gonna post The 1975 lyrics over a grainy pic of your matcha with boba? Relax. 

• Philz: No comment.

• Bodhi Leaf: You’re elusive, you have a glow about you, you brought a book with you, you’re making a big deal about it. You’re also a GPhi.

• Contra: Oohhh your laptop is always so FUCKING charged isn’t it?!? You and your little perfect life, sitting next to shelves of precious little books. Give me a break. 

• Tru Bru: What even is this? Where even is that? No.

• Brot: BROT is for HUNGOVER, SINGLE WOMEN who NEED to GOSSIP over DELECTABLE TOAST right FUCKING now. 

• Bagel Me: The Student Psychological Counseling Services number is (714) 997-6778.

Feminism! How One Chapman Trailblazer Paves the Way for Villainous Women

Karina Holmes, a Sociology Major/Disability Studies Minor, Class of 2022, is Chapman’s newest slay, and we are positively pronouns for her. She’s standing up for evil women everywhere, and recently devoted herself to what she calls anti-activism. “I hate how Chapman students are forced to be activists by going here. Labor violations? Elder abuse? Stealing my tuition? I don’t have time to worry about all of that. Undie run is tomorrow.”

Yassfully, Holmes has devised a plan to ignore things that are ethically wrong, and it’s woman AF. “I love protesting protests by not looking at them, and not knowing anything at all.”

So what’s next for Holmes? Switching into the business admin major. Yum! 

“I’m excited to learn more about my disabilities minor from a business admin lens. I really want to apply what I’ve learned to better exploit vulnerable groups.” Evilicious!

The Kumquat’s Official Christmas List

As you shop for loved ones (and for yourself) this holiday season, here are some of our writer’s must haves to be on the lookout for! 

• A pair of new, sensible shoes 

• Dildo replica of Pete Davidson’s schlong 

• Thick wool socks for those chilly evenings

• Some sort of contraption that is not actually a finger up the butt, but feels like it 

• A good book to curl up with 

• You are really missing the feeling of intimacy–of human touch. You are looking for anything to fill the void that is eating away at your insides every moment of every day you are alive. No sex toy or device will ever be able to fill that. You are alone. 

• A warm vanilla sugar candle :)

A Step-by-Step Guide to Undie Run for you Underclassmen Lame-os

Wazzup sexy freaks?! The horniest event of the year is right around the corner and it’s come to our attention that basically half of the student population has yet to experience the metaphorical raw dogging that is Undie Run. Some people like to call me the Yohann Diniz of Undie Running (look it up), soooo, I thought I’d take it upon myself to let you fuckweasels know how it's done. 

Firstly, the dress code. Unless you want everyone to call you a big fat baby bitch, you MUST wear your tightest, sexiest, overall sluttiest undies. Had to learn it the hard way, but really man, tighty-whities are NOT the way to go. Secondly, make sure that you drink the perfect amount so that you stay warm, but not so much that… well... an accident could occur. A very embarrassing accident. One that might involve stains. Another hot tip from this undie aficionado: do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT eat or drink any dairy in the 24 hours leading up to the event. Especially if you are lactose intolerant. Gotta keep that tum-tum in line, my guy. And finally, this year I’m planning on taking some precautionary measures to make sure something like what happened to me Freshman year never happens again, so if any of you guys know how to make a diaper like... cool? Or like a brand of diaper that is easily hidden underneath my very tight, very sexy underpants? Let me know. 

Bummer City: This Year’s Sorority Formal “At Arby’s”

Talk about bad luck. After Theta, DG and GPhi held their sorority formals at high end venues, students in Gamma Zeta were excited to see where their festivities would take place. Those hopes were swiftly dashed when the party bus pulled into the Arby’s restaurant on the corner of Tustin and Adams. Students. Were. Pissed. “Don’t get me wrong,” said sophomore Abby Phillips, “most nights I’d be more than happy to slam a Roast Chicken Bacon Swiss Sandwich Meal or a Corned Beef Reuben, but this is my formal. I want to dance and have fun with my friends in a pretty dress.” Dancing proved to be difficult, as there were nearly 300 students at the formal and the Arby’s on Adams and Tustin is what our Architecture experts refer to as “small.” “We weren’t really able to dance, at most we could sway,” said senior Kiki Pearson. “The building was small enough as is, but there was even less room because half the space contained tables with various meals, from the Half Pound Beef N’ Cheddar Meal to the Double Beef N’ Cheddar Meal to the Classic Beef N’ Cheddar Meal. Looking to the future, Chapman Greek Life is going to have to deal with the PR crisis that is a trashed Arby’s, a ruined reputation, and horsey sauce in places horsey sauce should never be (genitals and stuff).

Editor's Letter

Hey let me crash at your house for thanksgiving. Bad Boy Editor here, after being expelled from Chapman for pissing too many times on the dean's lawn (sorry I was drunk if anything it's a compliment) I have needed a place to stay and BAD. Don’t worry though I’m totally good for it. I’ll make it up to you by like taking out the trash and buying you cigarettes and shit. All I needs a place to park my badass motorcycle, a pack of sunflower seeds/spit bottle and a couch cushion to rest my greasy head on-I’m happy. And don't worry parents love me, (especially moms;) well until they catch me going through their medicine cabinets: speaking of which you should really let me know of any and all prescriptions your parents are taking cause my doctors get really naggy with me about “mixing pills” it’s a whole thing dude. Listen let me just run and grab my Whip-it! rig and I can move in whenever. Oh and don’t ask me about paying rent man, I really don’t believe in that kind of thing.

Student Breaks "Bro-Code" By Spilling Beans About Magic Cave

Noah Moore, a junior at Chapman, committed a major faux-pas this Monday when he told his teacher he and his bros stumbled across a magic cave behind Phish which grants superpowers, such as flight and superhuman strength, to those who lay both hands upon a glowing blue wall within its deepest chamber. “That fucking chode!” exclaimed Noah’s fellow cave-discoverer Brett Laxton. “I was gonna use my telekinesis to impress my crush Stacy. Now everyone knows and my powers aren’t impressive! Noah is so dead.” University president Daniele Struppa has a different opinion. “I believe all students should follow Noah’s example and tell their teachers about superpower-granting geological sites,” he said with his hands placed flat on the glowing blue wall of the cave’s deepest chamber. “Brett needs to chill out, man,” Noah defended. “Like, isn’t having superpowers good enough? It doesn’t seem like a big deal.” “Not a big fucking deal?!” Brett exclaimed in astonishment. “That’s like bro-code rule number 1: don’t spill the damn beans about our superpowers!” Meanwhile, school administration is scrambling to issue new guidelines for the hundreds of students and faculty members who have gone to the cave and obtained superhuman abilities. It is unclear at the moment if those with rapid regenerative properties are eligible to opt out of daily COVID screenings.

Lies to Tell Grandma at Thanksgiving

• I study every Sunday morning bright and early.

• I’ve never slept on my bathroom floor. I’m always getting good rest in my own bed.

• I get asked on so many dates and they’re all at Bruxie, a high end delicious restaurant that I love.

• I say no to all the strangers who offer me drugs.

• My roommate is wonderful and there are never rogue pubes in the shower.

• I’m in great health. Nobody I know has had a mysterious illness for two weeks,

• The food options on campus are great. I’m eating well. Full of nutrients.

• Yes, I definitely will meet a life partner in college and know my career path. 

• I love everything. Everything is great!

Yikyak Ruining the Fiji Pledge Experience

Another student has fallen victim to the latest freshman obsession: YikYak. Business major and Fiji pledge, Samual Brown, has tried his best to avoid all the women telling him to download the app, but after being name-dropped he became too intrigued by all the yaking. “What I found was chilling,” Brown said, “I couldn’t believe my eyes, the amount of effort I put into wearing my suit and purple tie everyday and I get disrespected like this. What happened to the social hierarchy?”Brown has become obsessed with replying back to all these yaks, ‘You would never get a bid from Fiji anyways,’ ‘You would never be able to keep up with the sigma grindset,’ ‘I actually do know where the female clit is. Brown’s roommate Noah Anderson is worried. “I think what hurt him the most was that he was listed last place on the hottest Fiji pledges,” Anderson said, “I’m getting really concerned with the effects of this cyberbullying on his mental state, he hasn’t showered or loitered in front of Beckman recently.”  Sources (some girl he met during O Week) tell us that Brown hasn’t been seen at the caf in the past few weeks and has been completely unresponsive on snap.

Kumquat Article Clearly Just a List of Writer's Personal Problems

New Kumquat writer Kyle Jones, who will remain anonymous, detailed his car crash of a life in a recent Kumquat article he submitted to the editors. “At first, we thought that his jokes were bombing until we realized he was just talking about his miserable life," one writer said. Jones wrote about topics such as a bad trip to the DMV, milk he had just bought that went sour before the expiration date, and his parents writing him out of their will. "We want to help him, but we need the content for this next issue," an editor said. "People think this publication complains enough as it is, but this is really pushing the envelope." Others on staff tried nudging Kyle away from his melodramatic sob story towards other topics such as "why students with rolling backpacks travel in herds” or "Jerry Price's weird public Instagram account," to no avail. In the end, Kyle wrote an article about a downed power line that fried his pet tortoise, which would eventually be cut from the issue and repurposed for his next article. 

Humanitarian Crisis: Parents Didn’t Send Care Package

Mysteriously and without warning, family care package deliveries have stalled for one Ashleigh Fillizola, a freshman, poli-sci major, and benefactor of three suitemates.  “I went to Sandhu to pick up my usual allowance of my favorite snacks last Tuesday,” says Ms. Fillizola, “but they weren’t there! All I got was a Hallmark card from my Grandma, and there wasn’t even money in it!” After subsisting solely off of artisan snacks and Starbucks since O-week, Ashleigh worries of how she will now provide for the dependents of her Glass Hall Apartment.  “I don’t know how we will survive without the peanut-buttery embrace of my mother’s homemade Reese's Pieces Cookies, or without the solace of our Japanese-imported limited-edition ‘wyld style’ Doritos,” she says, “and God forbid, once our rations of Tiramisu Oreos run out, I fear for the sanctity of my very soul.” Ashleigh hopes to plead for amnesty at the family summit meeting this Thanksgiving, but considering her Aunt called her a “harlot” last time, prospects are grim.  And while the alternative of eating normal food at the Caf may be a dark one, Ashleigh admits it may be a necessary evil after a severe deficiency of Trader Joe's Lemon Elderflower soda put her roommate Serenity Albers into anaphylactic shock.

Friendsgiving Invitation (This Time will be Different)

I want to start this invitation off by sending love, healing and an apology regarding last year's Friendsgiving events. It was an incredibly traumatic experience for us all and I don’t want to go too far into detail as we all were there, but needless to say we have taken many precautions to ensure nothing like it will ever happen again. This year is gonna be a blast! We have plenty of festivities planned: chips and dip during the Macy’s parade, flag football at the park across the street, a candlelight vigil in remembrance of Greg, and plenty of pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, we will no longer participate in the traditional friendsgiving turkey eating contest for as we now know, the ultimate price is far higher than that of three butterball turkeys. We never could have guessed that Greg would eat so much turkey in one sitting that the inner lining of his stomach would explode spewing bile and half digested turkey chunks on nearly every surface in our lovely host Jessica's living room - who we are so grateful is hosting again this year. So please, this friendsgiving let's try to have fun, make memories and avoid rupturing any internal organs, in honor of Greg.