Interterm Issue Editor's Letter

Okay so there’s an elephant in the room...why were we (the editors of The Kumquat) not invited to Joe Biden’s inauguration? After we wrote that stuff pre-election where we were like ‘vote for Joe Biden or else ’? And you literally did. This is so fucked up. 

We know that we said we wanted to speak at commencement (and we still do) but like, we basically elected Joe Biden by writing like one and a half articles about him so it is rude that he did not invite us to the inauguration, let alone bar us from speaking. Is he afraid? Is he intimidated by both our grasp on joke structure and our vocal fan base? He was probably scared of our presence since we have a history of being angsty towards White Men Who Are In Charge. Biden’s got a lot of skeletons in his closet, and by closet we mean very out in the open and can be easily Google searched, which we encourage you to do because it’s important that we don’t forget about fighting against disenfranchisement and marginalization, just because we now have a Democrat as President. All we can do is encourage you to continue to put energy towards making our country a better place and look forward to the day where WE are inaugurated (hot girl editor will be President and male feminist editor will be VP because #girlboss duh) 

Xoxo, 

The Editors

As If Things Couldn’t Get Worse, The FAFSA Application is Available Now

It’s FAFSA time baby. Long believed to stand for Free Application for Federal Student Aid, the acronym for FAFSA actually stands for Fuck Ass Fuck Shit Ass. As students begin to fill out the application, FAFSA is preparing for the increase in technical difficulties and questions by laying off all but one of their employees, Lenny, who will work from 9:02 p.m. to 9:14 p.m. on the second Tuesday of every other month. 

For Chapman students, the application is likely to lead to an increase in stress dreams about being fucked by anthropomorphic subsidized loans, manic-rip-apart your home searches for your stupid social security card, and tasteful instrumentals while Lenny puts you on hold.

A poll conducted by The Kumquat found that of the 7,821 Chapman students, only 43 students actually meet the financial requirements of the FAFSA, and of those 43, 41 of them said their Mom filled it out for them. So, let this article be a reminder to us Panthers to fill out the FAFSA and lie about our family's net income as we prepare for the spring semester.

I’m Having An Emotional Affair With The Fruit Guy At The Farmer’s Market

Sure, I haven’t felt the prolonged touch of another human being in 8 months and my roommate continues to not take my offer to hook up seriously, but I really think what me and Richard (I have no idea what his name is) have is real.

It all started two months ago when he said “Good to see you!” That could just be a good neutral greeting, or it could mean he wants to fuck my brains out. The next week, things really started to heat up. He told me the Pink Lady Apples were in season and I came so hard. When he “let me in on a little secret” about which size Pluot to get, I was a broken fire hydrant. At checkout, I said “see you next week!” and he said “I’ll be here!” 

But, 7 days later, he wasn’t. I was devastated. I thought we had something real. At nights, I sipped sauvignon blanc and thought about being held by his nice forearms. I dreamt of running away together, starting a fruit stand in Southern Italy, adopting a son, naming him Giuseppe, getting a house on the coast and feeding each other grapes until we’re old and gray? Do I mean nothing to him? Does Giuseppe mean nothing to him? 

But, the next week, he was back and everything was right in the world. He greeted me with smiling eyes and he told me that the clementines were getting softer every week. My nipples were getting harder by the minute. I’m just glad he and I are back to normal. I hope my favorite Trader Joe’s cashier, Michael (he has a name tag), doesn’t get jealous though.

Girl Who Gave Up Social Media for New Year’s Living In Blissful Ignorance

After watching the first 20 minutes of The Social Dilemma, sophomore Maddy Buss realized it was time for a change. For her New Year’s Rezzie, she decided to delete all social media for the month of January. After her “2020 sucked, but here are the best parts :)” photo dump on the 31st, she was completely #offthegrid.

It was only a couple days before her followers became suspicious. Maddy’s Gphi sister, Abby Haralson, was especially concerned. “After the Capitol attacks, Maddy didn’t repost a single @soyouwannatalkabout infographic, which was troubling. But, when she didn’t post the Kumquat’s “Struppa Email Template” on her story, I knew something was really wrong.”, Abby contacted the Kumquat’s Investigative Team, and after a full on manhunt, the KIT finally found Maddy at her parent’s house in New Jersey. 

“I was totally addicted to social media. It honestly feels so good to not depend on something like that anymore,” she told us, as she exhaled a rip from her Puff Bar on our zoom call. “I’m so happy to just disconnect, you know? 2020 was just so depressing. I needed a positive start to 2021.” 

We proceeded to shatter the illusion that 2021 would be any better by telling her all that had happened within just the first week of the New Year. She was speechless. After 3 minutes of us asking if her Zoom was frozen, she got really close to the camera and whispered, “I can never watch Call Me By Your Name the same ever again.” 

Dodge Majors Realizing Just How Fucked They Really Are

With the recent announcement that all production has been halted until February 19th due to COVID restrictions, Dodge majors are finally facing what they knew, deep down, all along: going to film school was a terrible idea. 

“It didn’t really hit me before, while we were on campus. Maybe I was just starstruck by my film studies professor, Matthew Arkin, son of two-time Spirit Award nominee Alan Arkin”, said film production major Braden Joe. “Maybe I was too busy getting off on telling people my major during GE classes… but halfway through converting my senior thesis into a ‘narrative podcast’ for my graduate portfolio, I started to realize I am so not getting a job.”

Students like Joe are combing through their bodies of work in the face of three semesters’ worth of cancelled projects, forced to try and cut a reel from visual storytelling projects they got a B- on. 

“Anne Beatts told me my film was [redacted for the sensitivity of our readers], but it’s kinda all I’ve got.” said Senior TWP Major Trey Makishima. “If the post-Covid economy has no use for a surrealist dark dramedy short-form series following a tragic romance between two creatives living in Culver City, I will die with no money. I have no other marketable skills”

And now for a really tone deaf article

Walk sign is on for all crossing!!! Hahaha, omg don’t you miss it? We have so many fun inside jokes! People who didn’t go to Chapman would NEVER understand what we mean when we refer to The Filling Station or make fun of Sub Connection. They wouldn’t get absolute joy that it is to attend Chapman University with genuinely no problematic things happening! Like maybe problematic things are happening, but isn’t it so much more fun to just think about what a kooky, kwazy school we go to? So insane! Isn’t Hashinger Basement scary? Aren’t the stairs in AF so annoying? Aren’t those Dodge kids so self-centered but also the coolest guys on campus? God, this school is QUIRKY. We even run around in our UNDERWEAR once a semester! Name a quirkier school. Like, wow Chapman is such a great place and going here is always the best all of  time. We truly have no problems and our piece of the Berlin Wall is bigger than the one at LMU. This school is totally rad (sunglasses emoji). 

Here’s the precedent Struppa just set and how YOU can abuse it

By not immediately firing John Eastman for his role in the insurrection at the capitol, Struppa signalled many things to the student body; that he’s a little bitch for conservative donor money and that he has a teeny tiny dick. But most importantly: as a member of Chapman University, you cannot be punished for speech that incites violence. This is big news.

You should expect to see a lot of things change on campus. The QDoba ladies now have NO incentive to be nice to your entitled ass when you say “umm can you give me more chicken..?” In fact, they can legally tell you to kill yourself. There's nothing you or anyone can do about it. That's the way things are now. Legally. 

Asked your professor for an extension on a project you had two months to work on? Don't be surprised when she sends you an email telling you she's gonna curbstomp you in front of Leatherby Libraries. Because she can do that. By law.

YOU have the opportunity to abuse this, just as John Eastman has abused the title of “Lawyer” for the past 130 years at LEAST. Struppa sent you an email that he didn’t even sign? You can respond however you like. You can literally do anything imaginable. What’s he gonna do about it? He’s not the fucking emperor of Chapman. You are. Legally. 

What I wouldn't give to go back to those Friday night lights…

I know I’m not the first guy to say that Zoom University just isn’t the same as our classic college days. Shotgunning Natty Lights on the lawn, chilling in Leatherby with the bros, taking the circle by storm on Undie Run… I miss it all. But if there’s one thing I miss the most about Chapman, and I think you know what I’m about to say, it’s those freaking Friday night lights. 

The roar of the crowd echoing through the stadium is a sound I’ll never forget. The energy when the team ran out onto the field? Unmatched. That feeling of Panther pride at the big game is something I know we all will cherish, no matter where we are now. You know, my buddies and I would always show up early to get the best seats in the house. That’s how dedicated we were. I just wish we could go back… especially to the end of the games when they would be like, “sex is like.” Oh wait I think it might’ve been Thursday night lights. Yeah wish I could go back to those Thursday night lights in Irvine Lecture Hall with the boys. 

Things I’m Not Going to Tell My Mom I Did During my First Semester of College

Spent $105 on Urth Cafe matcha lattes

Took my mask off to suck a film production major’s dick during Tenet. 

Told my Women’s Studies breakout group I was bisexual so they would like me more (I’m not)

Smoked a cigarette with a group of six guys who refer to each other as “homies.” 

Got COVID-19 from the film production major’s dick.

Snorted cocaine off of Stephen Galloway’s ass.

Jk that one was just a dream lol.

Got a stick and poke of my grandma's name on my ribcage even though she’s a little bit racist. I just didn’t know what else to get.

Bought 55 coat hangers after Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed into the Supreme Court

Did the walk of shame November 1 in a space cowgirl costume on the Chapman Shuttle 

And the only reason I know he is a film production major is because he has it in his Instagram bio?? That’s literally so embarrassing.

Diversity Win: COPA Accepts Ugly Screen Acting Student

After the summer brought a wave of reckoning upon the Chapman community, COPA has finally decided to take a stand for diversity. Kumquat reporters have discovered the admittance of transfer student Aaron Porter who sources say looks like a complete dumpster fire. “It’s really interesting,” Dean of COPA Giulio Ongaro said in an interview. “Most of our students are the pristine image of beauty, but this little fuck has got big ol’ glasses and stink lines coming out of every orifice”. When I pointed out that he sounded like a bully, Dean Ongaro gave me a wedgie and kickflipped away. Mr. Porter, 20, is reportedly getting along with his new classmates already. “The group-me is pretty fun”, he said in a sit-down with the Kumquat. “They sorta like to ask me if my face is real and then show me three identical headshots and make me tell them which one is the best.” Aaron is ready to find his spot in the Chapman creative community. “I feel like I’ve always been misunderstood. If someone at Chapman were to maybe make a movie about a teenage boy who is sad and misunderstood, I think I could really excel. But then again, who in Dodge College would want to tell that brave story?” We all hope Mr. Porter can find that role, and take solace in the fact that he’s still better looking than every director he’ll audition for.

Report: Hot Girls Really Miss Stealing From Parties

Left to reminisce about their lives Pre-CoCo, many Chapman students are confessing their deepest desires.  “I miss stealing from frat parties. Once, I stole a tiny fedora made for a mouse from Phi Tau, it was such a rush... and now, since I can’t go to frat parties anymore I have to go to Target and steal baby clothes,” said sophomore student, Georgia Holland. 

We spoke to another student, Jenna Friedman, who concurred that theft was a real luxury she took for granted. “I have a really beloved collection. An unknown streetwear sweatshirt from Beta; a stack of 150 latex-free dental dams from Delts; Harry Raftus’ Canadian flag from Phi Delt... but no, I wouldn’t self describe as a clepto. I just get like, this really good feeling when I steal things, that makes me want to do it more and more.” 

To break this down for the frat men of Chapman who might be angered by this phenomenon: you see hot girl -> you are creepy to hot girl ->hot girl angry -> hot girl steal your stuff. So if there are ever frat parties again and you see a girl walking out with 8 cans of Chef Boyardee, just know that it would be super misogynistic if you tried to stop her. 

Junior Girl Suffers Complete Breakdown After Becoming Chapman Twitter Famous

“The likes...they just kept coming and coming. After a while I looked and there were 76 of them, with a couple of replies from people that I only sort of know in real life. I was shocked.” These are the words of Carrie Bradshaw, a junior TV Writing and Production major who has recently struck moderate Chapman Twitter fame. After not making it on Improv or our writing staff, Bradshaw became used to tweeting one liners like “drunk outside urth caffe” and “made eye contact with my gynecologist today,” to her limited audience. 

Bradshaw finally made it big by penning the simple “what I wouldn’t do to be able to be hungover in AF right now.” After the tweet, Bradshaw received likes primarily from Dodge students who have no other creative or comedic outlets at this point in quarantine. She is now paying special attention to interactions from boys she thinks are hot but have never really talked to and is now vastly overanalyzing. “If he liked my tweet where I said the word ‘sex’, does that mean he wants to have sex with me? It has to. The one time we were on set together he was, like, looking at me, you know? I think he wants to fuck because he…” We let her trail off after we noticed she was rocking back and forth in her chair and foaming at the mouth. Make sure to follow Bradshaw @larrygirl69, which she assures us she has been unable to change since she originally made the account in seventh grade.