What I wouldn't give to go back to those Friday night lights…

I know I’m not the first guy to say that Zoom University just isn’t the same as our classic college days. Shotgunning Natty Lights on the lawn, chilling in Leatherby with the bros, taking the circle by storm on Undie Run… I miss it all. But if there’s one thing I miss the most about Chapman, and I think you know what I’m about to say, it’s those freaking Friday night lights. 

The roar of the crowd echoing through the stadium is a sound I’ll never forget. The energy when the team ran out onto the field? Unmatched. That feeling of Panther pride at the big game is something I know we all will cherish, no matter where we are now. You know, my buddies and I would always show up early to get the best seats in the house. That’s how dedicated we were. I just wish we could go back… especially to the end of the games when they would be like, “sex is like.” Oh wait I think it might’ve been Thursday night lights. Yeah wish I could go back to those Thursday night lights in Irvine Lecture Hall with the boys. 

Things I’m Not Going to Tell My Mom I Did During my First Semester of College

Spent $105 on Urth Cafe matcha lattes

Took my mask off to suck a film production major’s dick during Tenet. 

Told my Women’s Studies breakout group I was bisexual so they would like me more (I’m not)

Smoked a cigarette with a group of six guys who refer to each other as “homies.” 

Got COVID-19 from the film production major’s dick.

Snorted cocaine off of Stephen Galloway’s ass.

Jk that one was just a dream lol.

Got a stick and poke of my grandma's name on my ribcage even though she’s a little bit racist. I just didn’t know what else to get.

Bought 55 coat hangers after Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed into the Supreme Court

Did the walk of shame November 1 in a space cowgirl costume on the Chapman Shuttle 

And the only reason I know he is a film production major is because he has it in his Instagram bio?? That’s literally so embarrassing.

Diversity Win: COPA Accepts Ugly Screen Acting Student

After the summer brought a wave of reckoning upon the Chapman community, COPA has finally decided to take a stand for diversity. Kumquat reporters have discovered the admittance of transfer student Aaron Porter who sources say looks like a complete dumpster fire. “It’s really interesting,” Dean of COPA Giulio Ongaro said in an interview. “Most of our students are the pristine image of beauty, but this little fuck has got big ol’ glasses and stink lines coming out of every orifice”. When I pointed out that he sounded like a bully, Dean Ongaro gave me a wedgie and kickflipped away. Mr. Porter, 20, is reportedly getting along with his new classmates already. “The group-me is pretty fun”, he said in a sit-down with the Kumquat. “They sorta like to ask me if my face is real and then show me three identical headshots and make me tell them which one is the best.” Aaron is ready to find his spot in the Chapman creative community. “I feel like I’ve always been misunderstood. If someone at Chapman were to maybe make a movie about a teenage boy who is sad and misunderstood, I think I could really excel. But then again, who in Dodge College would want to tell that brave story?” We all hope Mr. Porter can find that role, and take solace in the fact that he’s still better looking than every director he’ll audition for.

Report: Hot Girls Really Miss Stealing From Parties

Left to reminisce about their lives Pre-CoCo, many Chapman students are confessing their deepest desires.  “I miss stealing from frat parties. Once, I stole a tiny fedora made for a mouse from Phi Tau, it was such a rush... and now, since I can’t go to frat parties anymore I have to go to Target and steal baby clothes,” said sophomore student, Georgia Holland. 

We spoke to another student, Jenna Friedman, who concurred that theft was a real luxury she took for granted. “I have a really beloved collection. An unknown streetwear sweatshirt from Beta; a stack of 150 latex-free dental dams from Delts; Harry Raftus’ Canadian flag from Phi Delt... but no, I wouldn’t self describe as a clepto. I just get like, this really good feeling when I steal things, that makes me want to do it more and more.” 

To break this down for the frat men of Chapman who might be angered by this phenomenon: you see hot girl -> you are creepy to hot girl ->hot girl angry -> hot girl steal your stuff. So if there are ever frat parties again and you see a girl walking out with 8 cans of Chef Boyardee, just know that it would be super misogynistic if you tried to stop her. 

Junior Girl Suffers Complete Breakdown After Becoming Chapman Twitter Famous

“The likes...they just kept coming and coming. After a while I looked and there were 76 of them, with a couple of replies from people that I only sort of know in real life. I was shocked.” These are the words of Carrie Bradshaw, a junior TV Writing and Production major who has recently struck moderate Chapman Twitter fame. After not making it on Improv or our writing staff, Bradshaw became used to tweeting one liners like “drunk outside urth caffe” and “made eye contact with my gynecologist today,” to her limited audience. 

Bradshaw finally made it big by penning the simple “what I wouldn’t do to be able to be hungover in AF right now.” After the tweet, Bradshaw received likes primarily from Dodge students who have no other creative or comedic outlets at this point in quarantine. She is now paying special attention to interactions from boys she thinks are hot but have never really talked to and is now vastly overanalyzing. “If he liked my tweet where I said the word ‘sex’, does that mean he wants to have sex with me? It has to. The one time we were on set together he was, like, looking at me, you know? I think he wants to fuck because he…” We let her trail off after we noticed she was rocking back and forth in her chair and foaming at the mouth. Make sure to follow Bradshaw @larrygirl69, which she assures us she has been unable to change since she originally made the account in seventh grade.

JOHN WAYNE: Horrible Racist, Decent Airport

Well folks, the holidays are just around the corner. It’s time to go home and visit family but more importantly, it’s time to pick an airport. That's why I recommend: John Wayne International. You just have to get past the whole “John Wayne being an unforgivable, imperialist glorifying, homophobic racist” thing. 

But trust me, you're gonna LOVE what they've done with the place. Pristine marble floors and the wonderful chic, elegant design is just part of what makes this airport the jewel of the OC. Oh and the decor is just stunning… well I mean.. Except for the massive statue of John Wayne holding a big ass gun. But you know.. This is why you have to separate the art from the artist, you can’t let the fact that John Wayne is actually a racist bigot ruin such a convenient airport. You can get your bags checked and through security in under 15 minutes every time. And I mean do you really expect me to go all the way to Long Beach?? I hope next time you fly, you keep John Wayne in mind and as the man himself once literally said unprompted “I believe in white supremacy”.

Trump Administration Prepares For Transition To Chapman Faculty

The November election may have sparked some hope with the end of a selfish, hateful Presidency, but it also put some selfish, hateful people out of work. Daniele Struppa announced the new faculty last week on a Microsoft Teams town hall some are calling, “really intense.” The new additions to Chapman faculty come at no surprise to the student body as law Professor John Eastman still works here. 

Kellyann will be teaching an SCC course on deceit, public speaking and how to look like an undercover witch while Hope Hicks takes over supervising all hot girl events (first and foremost Sorority Recruitment). Pence is spearheading a one man initiative to remove Brokeback Mountain from the film aesthetics curriculum and Jared Kushner will be assisting him. Trump himself has accepted the position of Virtual Golf Daddy and mentor to the Chapman Republicans (studies show the chap pubs have all jizzed their little jeans since this announcement). The Trump administration had one request prior to joining staff and that accommodation of dissolving the Cross Cultural Center has been met. In preparation, all new faculty have been mailed fanny packs and given their very own Chapman emails to use on all non-Chapman work. Struppa would also like us to note they are all currently on track for tenure. 

Editors Letter

We, The Kumquat Editors, are looking for love in the time of COVID. The only thing getting in our way is that we’re afraid!! Not because of commitment or past trauma, but because some people aren’t wearing masks or are still going to parties. We get it, we want to go to parties too. We would die to go to a party (not literally because then we would just… go to a party) This is a rough time which makes us want to get absolutely plastered like no other point in our lives thus far. However, please! Like just take things seriously for like a month or two! We’ve been in quarantine for like nine months now, which means we could have been secretly pregnant this entire time and you guys wouldn’t even know because we are too scared to leave the house like a NORMAL person. We just want you to know that we’re all in this together and when this all ends (hopefully), we will drink something very strong and have a smooch. But until then, wear a mask, social distance, limit your travel, and get tested (for STDs too so that after the aforementioned smooch we can boink)

xoxo, 

The Kumquat

I Accidentally Hit Yes on the Chapman Covid Screening

You know that thing Chapman sends out every night? The thing that asks you if you literally have coronavirus? On Monday at 12:35am, I was filling it out and accidentally clicked “yes” instead of “no.” Immediately, like no joke immediately, this team of SWAT people (who I think were wearing Panther ears?) ran into my room and put a paper bag over my head. The next thing I knew, I was tied up on the lap of the Charles C. Chapman statue. A hologram of Jerry Price appeared before me. Larger than life. Huge. He looked at me sternly, fire in his eyes. In a voice much deeper than I had ever heard him use before, he asked “How much do your parents make in a year?” I explained I have no idea. He persisted, in a deeper voice, growling even, asking over and over again. I cried, eventually saying they’re socially liberal but economically conservative because of their tax bracket. “Good,” he nodded. “Very good… Now, did they participate in Chapman Day of Giving last year?”I said yes and immediately, a piercing pain entered into my left buttcheck. A needle. The vaccine. They had it… They’ve had it all this time? Whatever, got those antibodies now baby. Beta Hard Liquor Tuesdays here I come.

Memorial Hall filled with Mashed Potatoes

With the holiday season fast approaching, some might say already here, Chapman found the perfect way to give the people what they want: filling Memorial Hall entirely with mashed potatoes. When The Kumquat asked how much of the school budget would be used supplying the creamy dish Struppa replied, “A lot.” We pressed the old Italian man further asking him if he considered addressing real administrative faux pas,. He replied “nah. We’re going with Price’s potato thing.” 

“It represents hope most, I think,” said Price when we interviewed him about the plans. Price then left his office to take a call about mold. 

Student reaction has been generally apathetic towards this new initiative. “Yeah this just feels like a big swing and a miss” said Katarina Smith, a junior.

Struppa remains optimistic. “I think the students are really loving it.” he said. “We are not.” said 77% of students. 

But, I’ll tell you this. If the school would like to send out more fanny packs with thermometers, that would be fine by this reporter ;)

Mio Semestre in Italia

Ciao! I am thrilled to be writing this while sipping a delicious cappuccino at an adorable sidewalk cafe. When study abroad was first canceled, I was devastated. Were my two semesters of Italian and one dedicated afternoon of Duolingo for nothing?  Everything changed when I heard about the Panthers Study Abroad in Orange Program (PSAOP). This wonderful new program allowed me to have the same amazing experience in our very own beautiful City of Orange for the exact same price!  

These have been the best quatro months of my life. You wouldn’t believe the rich, authentic Italian food I got to try. I had pizza al fresco for every meal just like the Italians do it: Blaze for breakfast, Pizza Press for lunch, and Zito’s for dinner. That may sound like a lot, but as a study abroad student, I got a 10% discount, and as they say, “When in Rome!” 

Like any study abroad, there was some culture shock and miscommunication. My Italian isn’t perfect, so the Blaze cashier struggled a bit to understand me when I asked, “dov'è il bagno?” Luckily, through some hand gestures and Google Translate, I found a “toilet.” 

If you’re looking for a life-changing and al dente experience for spring, I can’t recommend PSAOP enough. And I promise Struppa isn’t holding a gun to my head making me say this. Arrivederci! 

Sit down, champ, let me tell you about my college days.

Son, come here. See this picture? Yeah, that’s right. That’s your old man back in 2020. Junior year. Man, did we have some crazy times back then. I’ll never forget those Friday nights with the boys, the 4 of us sitting in our living room alone, absolutely plastered off 2 Mango Carts questioning our existence and if things will ever get better. Man, I mean, if I could go back, I would in a heartbeat. This guy right here? That’s my buddy Jason. He would cry to Beach House every night in his room and sometimes didn’t come out for days at a time. What’d you say? What was my craziest night? Oh, it’s gotta be my 21st birthday. Yeah, the boys and I had a Zoom RAGER and I blacked out and woke up in my kitchen. I started the night in the LIVING ROOM. 

Girls? Well, son, don’t tell your mom, but your old man… he got around. I was matching with girls on Tinder left and right, only to pour my heart out to them on Facetime and have them ghost and block me. Yeah, we got wild and reckless, but we still kept grinding. Every time I logged onto my little computer class I was high out of my mind. Didn’t learn a single thing, but felt like I had to go due to the crushing guilt of paying private school tuition. Good times, man. 

Disney Girls Experiencing Major Withdrawals

Disneyland has been shut down for almost 8 months, and the Disney Bitches are struggling. To have the only reason they chose Chapman taken away is leaving some students, “without a will to live,” said sophomore, animation major, McKayley Higgins, in a crazier tone than we can convey on paper. 

Higgins’s’s roommate, Sofia Johnson, is actually, like, really worried about McKayley’s mental health. “She’s been putting on her Mickey ears and just like...staring at herself in the mirror. Her teeth won’t stop chattering and she’s really, weirdly sweaty all the time.” 

A few days later, McKayley was arrested for attempting to break into Disney. Apparently, all the teeth-chattering sharpened up her canines, and she was caught trying to chew her way through the gates. 

The Kumquat Investigative Team went undercover and infiltrated Disney, only to discover that The Secret Disney Police are holding McKayley and several other trespassers in the Tiki Room. Each day, they get one Dole Whip that they all have to share, and are being monitored by Walt Disney’s frozen head. 

Don’t worry though, this might actually be a good thing. The K.I.T’s research shows that 91% of grown adults who love Disney are just people who didn’t get bullied enough growing up. So McKayley, girlie, here is your hardship! Don’t let it go to waste! <3

Jokes We Waited to Tell About Joe Biden Because We Needed You to Vote for Him Really Bad

For a guy whose whole persona is about being old but cool, he’s put A LOT of people in prison for stuff Hunter Biden has probably done. 

1. Biden reminds me of the random old men in the circle who will come up and start a completely one sided conversation with me that I absolutely did not ask for. 

1. Before Joe, I never thought about how my hair might smell when sniffed without my consent. 

1. Uses the aviator sunglasses to hide how he is probably staring at people’s boobs. 

1. I’m sorry, can we go back to joke number one? Like 1994 Crime Bill anyone? Girlie literally wrote it. 

1. Build Back Better is actually the worst campaign slogan I have ever heard and I want to punch whatever fucker remembered alliteration from their 9th grade English class. 

1. Biden would be super nice to my face if he met me and then would turn to my white, male friend and call me “exotic” behind my back.

1. Senator from Delaware? We forgot Delaware was a state. Where is Delaware? 

1. Joe didn’t think gay people should be allowed to get married for like a LONG time and then reversed his stance in 2012 so he could get a Lady Gaga endorsement and a thumbs up photo op at Stonewall. 

1. My Middle Eastern parents never knew they needed the security of having all of their behavior monitored until Biden enthusiastically endorsed the Patriot Act. Thank you, Joe, for giving us this peace of mind <3 

1. Smh, unlike some politicians of our time, Joe Biden definitely knows how to work across the aisle. Great example is when he voted for the Iraq war. Also The 1994 Crime Bill.