Urged by his mother that he is a little old for trick or treating, Jeffrey Ames, freshman computer engineering major, has decided to attend his first coed Halloween party.
Read MoreA Harrowing Encounter and Definitely not an Excuse: the Marion Knott Ghost Train
Dearest Professor of Cinematic Arts,
My hands quake as I write this. I was late to your class once again, but I swear by my forefathers that I was stalled by a phantom force—a ghost train!
I know you will never believe me. I recall your words just last Wednesday, how you told me to stop making excuses and that it was “impossible to be delayed more than two minutes by that train crossing near The K.” But I swear to you now, Professor, had you witnessed this ghoulish sight, you would nary cross those hallowed tracks again.
Horrible and revenant, the spectral locomotive materialized in a roar of hellfire, its whistle shrieking the screams of a thousand souls! The wheels rumbled the tracks as vampire bats flew overhead. Underneath the billowing death-black steam of its engine sat a skeleton conductor. He laughed a gut wrenching cackle, the sky split in two with lightning, and I watched as the tormented ghosts of LA commuters flew by, fresh from the gates of hell.
The apparition vanished into the night as quickly as it had arrived, but I was so petrified that I had no choice but to be 33 minutes late to your class.
My apologies.
Inspiring: There’s a Goblin Up There in the Chapman Bell Tower Who Rings it.
Last Saturday, when the Kumquat Investigative Team went to Fowler to throw rocks at it, we found a secret staircase behind an antique pipe organ. And after ascending countless floors full of spooky spider webs, ghastly gargoyles, and a “Law Student” we met Ginkgo Globnar, the man behind the bell.
Read MoreWeekly Horoscope: Which Circle Celebrity Are YOU?
See which silly little celebrity from the circle you are from your zodiac. If you’re a lucky duck, you may be the goose. Follow @kumhoroscopes for more!
So-Called "Communist" Seen at New Chipotle
Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat.
Read MorePlastic Drawers Linked to Chronic Health Issues (Kumquat’s First Non-Satirical Article)
What is Chapman hiding?
Read MoreWedding Announcement: Your Roommates
Congratulations to the happy couple of the Class of 2026 on their recent engagement!
Read MoreFirst Day of School Manifestations
I am smart. I am sexy. I am humble.
Read MoreHUMILIATING! Struppa Falls for BOFA Joke Onstage.
brb urban dictionary-ing BOFA
Read MoreRA’s Now Authorized to Use “Lethal Force”
THE RA’S HAVE GUNS NOW MOTHER FUCKERS
Read MoreFrom the Editor's Desk
Skwunk here.
Read More