Caucasians,
The Kumquat’s resident 1.6% back again. Firstly, don’t worry Whites, we’ve still got the topical Valentine’s content you were probably expecting and as long as you support VOC (Voices of Color) you can head to the back page and check it out after I say my piece, it’s EXTRA horny this month. A little bit about myself, you may know me from such articles as...literally any of the black ones. What you may not know is that I was RETIRED. I no longer had to play Michael Che to the Kumquat’s MANY Colin Josts and I found actual inner peace. I had no lists to write (“Top 10 Ways to Avoid Telling Your Dodge Friend They’re Just Not Talented”), no hot takes to drop— nothing. I spent a month and a half freeballing, watching Love Island, and wondering whether or not Doja Cat wants Nigerian babies.
Interterm ended, Black History Month rolled in and things should’ve only been looking up from there. The whites of Chapman should have been doing nothing but groveling, mailing me bricks of Shea Butter, and giving me free reign of the aux at kickbacks — but no. This was not the case. In fact, a few days in, some no top lip having ass, daddy’s money, Young-Sheldon-bodied, Hitler Youth had to run his mouth and insult the beautiful blacks, the lovely gays, as well as the beautiful and lovely black gays of Chapman University. So I’m back.
I’m back because someone has to make white people feel guilty, and frankly, I’m the best at it. History books tried. When you didn’t want to finish your saltless, stewed carrots, your parents tried (“Kids in Africa would love to have this food!”) God (or whoever) theirself tried but one of you cheeky buggers had to go and invent sunscreen. Well, God’s not here anymore, I am. I don’t care if you have $2.35 or 50 million dollars. I’m back to make you feel guilty talking about your crisis bangs when you could be talking about the crisis in Flint. I am here to steer the conversation from Baby Nut to any of George Washington Carver’s 105 ways to prepare the peanut and the importance of crop rotation. I’m here to look any blonde person in the eyes and say, “Have we met before?” when I know we have.
I know what you’re up to White Chapman and I will be here to foil you at every turn. Administration, I know Ben Shapiro is still sending “U up?” texts, and I know they still get you a little wet. Frat boys, you’ve been singing the N-Word since I got here, I will make a citizen’s arrest one of these days. White women...rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson while Yahya Abdul-Mateen is still alive. Actually— rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson. Anyone I didn’t get to, just know racism is a system, and if you’re benefiting from the system you should probably venmo every black person you know just to be safe.
