CHAPMAN - While many panthers struggle to adjust to quarantining at home, one notable Chapman figure lacks sympathy for students. “All I hear is how hard this is for the students” said Pete. “I’d like to see them maintain six feet of distance while absolutely fucking wrecking an antelope for every meal”. That’s right, Chapman’s beloved mascot has taken off his shock collar and is back at home in the jungle. Pete’s mother, Peggy the Panther, tells Kumquat reporters that Pete has been growing frustrated with boredom. “You have to understand, Pete is used to standing in front of tens of roaring fans at Chapman football games. We try to entertain him here, but it’s different” Pete’s been making the most of his time at home however. While his mom and brother just look at leaves and trees and shit like that, Pete has been sprinting at 40 god damn miles an hour through endless natural obstacles while being chased by a fucking tiger just to feel something. “That was exciting. But nothing will compare to when I can finally see Chapman basketball go on a thrilling fourth quarter 10-4 run to win a game 43-36.”
Featured
