Stumbling out of Keck’s life-preserving cryo-chamber late last Friday, Charles C. Chapman declared victoriously that he has cheated death and will return as President for the coming school year. Unfortunately, he discovered that his Christian university had degraded into a “sinful mire of lust and villainy” full of Democrats and homosexuals, leading to Chapman’s new “CU Back” campaign.
The new campaign seeks to take Panthers “back” in time to the Gilded Age of 1923, with a focus on tried and true policies such as child labor, women disenfranchisement, and segregation.
For most of the campus, this means that life hasn’t changed much. The Chapman Republicans have only become slightly more racist; normal students claim they “haven’t noticed” any difference.
Charles has surprisingly faced zero consequences for his actions. Although on quiet nights, students say they can still hear Daniele Struppa yelling “death to the usurper” long after he was dragged out of office for the crime of being an Italian immigrant.
