“You know those haunted house paintings with the eyes that follow you around wherever you go? It’s kind of like that,” sophomore Biology major Yasmin Khalid told the Kumquat last week. “At first I didn’t really notice it because I try to make my mind go blank when I walk past their creepy, fucking wrinkled faces but last week on my way to Spanish I noticed and now I can’t stop noticing.”
To test out Khalid’s hypothesis, our investigative team committed to a stakeout in the rafters above the entrance of Starbucks. For three straight days, our watched as the portraits stayed lifeless in front of the crowds of white business majors, but would unveil an almost Rainforest Café robot level set of peepers to dart around after anyone who looked vaguely Arab.
Our investigators had to flee the premises after the Bush surveillance system locked it’s sights on a woman wearing hijab and became so overwhelmed it caught on fire, spreading quickly across the first floor. When asked if the Bush family’s massive funding contributions have played a role in the security features of the building, administration told us “The family’s ok now! Look, at Junior’s silly little paintings, hasn’t bombed anybody in years!”.
