When it comes to creative conflict resolution, student Michael Baumgartner may just have everyone else— including his roommate— beat.
“We’re planning to fight to the death,” says Baumgartner, of his roommate, business major Jack Hempsey. “It started with him using my shampoo and playing Christmas music loudly at 8am, but last week he took my leftover Pizza Press, so now it’s on. Also, he fucked my girlfriend.”
The fight, scheduled for “whenever midterms are finally over,” consists of three rounds: a Thunderdome-style joust, a game of street rules Monopoly, and a bare-knuckles brawl that only ends when someone literally dies. Upon being asked if he found the first two rounds redundant, considering the third round ends with someone being beaten to death, Baumgartner pretended not to hear the question.
The students’ resident advisor, Daniel J. Catalan, who wishes to remain anonymous, says he is well aware of the fight. “Their roommate agreement listed ‘Murder’ as a viable method of conflict resolution, so there isn’t much I can do about it. Now, if Michael or Jack needed a lockout code, that’d be a little more in my wheelhouse…”
