In the past, Chapman promoted higher student success rates by over-admitting freshmen: more students meant more graduates, according to prominent math whiz Daniele Struppa, and this worked until Chapman coincidentally admitted nothing but dumbasses from 2020 to 2023.
In response, the admissions board adopted a “quality over quantity” strategy that cut admissions in half and replaced them with genetically-altered superhumans. These “super panthers” will be 1.5x smarter, stronger, and sexier than their lame predecessors and will be capable of things never thought possible for a typical Chapman student. Besides a 100% graduation rate, for example, they are expected to raise the average Pike GPA to a never-before-seen 2.7, transform our D3 football team into a slightly better D3 football team, boost the net median number of attractive singles at Qdoba to an unbelievable 1.3, and create the first ever student to attend the Attallah College of Educational Studies.
Besides starting an inevitable race war, there seems to be no perceivable downsides to this plan. As Provost Norma Bouchard puts it, “I always knew eugenics was the answer!”
