“She’s the only person without a mask in class. She needs to read the room and stop trying to greet us like we live in fucking France all the time. She’s from Ohio, nobody does the double kiss on the cheek thing in Ohio,” says James Caan, classmate of overzealous Sophomore Janet Jeffries. Janet has been known to encroach on personal space in the past but ever since the mask mandate was lifted her behaviors have reached new extremes. “She keeps asking people to smell her breath and the other day I caught her bringing in plates of spaghetti in an attempt to recreate that Lady and the Tramp scene.” 

“I am just so excited”, says Jeffries, Poli Sci Minor. “I’ve been bottling up my feelings under that mask for so long, but now that Covid’s officially over, I can’t help myself!”. Her Professors are less excited. “I’m immuno-compromised and I’m getting real fed up with her constantly yelling ‘What’s that over there??’ and then trying to lick me when my back is turned,” complains Dr. Jacobson. We sat down with Janet over a bowl of spaghetti to try and get some answers, but one thing led to another… and now we’re starting to see her side of things a little more clearly. Because we had sex.