Josh Smith had been using the “My Grandma died” email as a surefire way to get out of class for years. Unlike faking illness and “mandatory” rush events, the excuse was tried and true, an absence that no Professor had the heart to criticize. 

But last Wednesday, when Great Granny Smith choked to death on a Werther's Original before falling out of her stair lift and down a flight of stairs, Josh’s entire world changed. With his Grandma now actually dead–for real this time–he was struck with a new sense of mortality and regret. 

“I realized that I could lose Grandpa to chronic black lung or Uncle Benny to his vices any day now,” says Josh, “and if they die, who will get me out of class then?

After recognizing this ticking clock, Josh compiled a backup list of distant relatives, pets, and beloved neighbors that he could canonically kill off for absence purposes. But it won’t last forever. “One day the reaper's hand reaches for us all,” says Josh.   

Despite this haunting realization, Josh remains optimistic, because “at least their funerals can get me out of like three, maybe four, exams.”