Environmental Science major expelled for using plastic straw

Early Monday morning, Senior environmental science major Alexander Gore was escorted off of Chapman’s campus by Public Safety. His expulsion surrounds controversial actions in the Starbucks at Beckman.

“I was late to class and picked it all up in hurry,” Gore swears. “The barista stuck the straw in without my permission. I just didn’t notice.” Gore ran through the Beckman lobby claiming he had to “sprint to class,” but was stopped by Public Safety before he made it to the stairs. The officer swatted the beverage to the ground, which later was acknowledged as an unnecessary waste.

“I can’t believe he would do that,” witness Michelle Feffer said, shaking her head while holding the keys to her SUV. “I mean, what about the sea turtles?” she continued on, taking a drag from a cigarette and a massive bite from a burger. “Doesn’t he care about the environment?”

P-Safe filled out a 45-page report on the incident, which later was put in a filing cabinet forever, never to be used or read again. Security footage later revealed Gore to insert the straw himself. He was stripped of his “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” backpack pin and escorted off campus soon after.