Landing an apartment in Chapman’s own “Utopia for Film Bros” has fractured friend groups and effectively decimated the freshmen ecosystem. One resident, Daphne Lark, suspects that PR & Ad sophomore Sally Slumberdown might have ‘adversely possessed’ the dorm next door. Sightings of Sally are incredibly rare, but Daphne swears that her missing UberEats orders and the morse-code through the walls are evidence that she is more than a myth.

Thankfully, the Kumquat staff is proficient in Morse, and exclusively interviewed this politically vague revolutionary. “When I applied for the K last year, they spat in my face and banished me to Panther Village,”  tapped Sally through the walls. “Why would I pay 1400 a month, when you can just walk in, hang out, and refuse to leave?” 

PSafe stated that they will show “no remorse” to the squatter-at-large. While their butterfly nets failed last week, K Residents have reported bear claws and poisonous gas near Slumberdown’s suspected quarters. An increase in hospitalizations means it might be easier than ever for freshmen to get their dream apartment next year! Hooray!