Public safety officer Jerome McGuire just wants to make sure you don’t mean him when you say “ALL cops are bastards.”

“I mean, you know I’m not really a cop, right?” said an anxious McGuire, “All I do is condescendingly unlock your dorm when you lose your ID and say something like ‘don’t make a habit of this.’”

McGuire used to flex the little power he had over students any chance he got, but recently he has been backpedaling like a motherfucker. 

“Look, we’re not perfect, we make you get a special bike lock, Okay Fine We Steal The Bikes, but that’s as devious as we get.”

McGuire is not alone, many public safety officers have felt uneasy with this abrupt change in social status.

“Am I going to be able to hang out at Improv Inc. auditions anymore?” said a concerned P Safe Hinson, “I’m getting really worried... my blue lives matter tik tok flopped.”