Climate change isn’t the only thing making California hot (Sidenote: is having kids still ethical?); studies show PSAFE is the cause of California’s wildfires, and they’re ready to turn up the heat even more (if global temperatures rise even two more degrees, our entire arctic landscape will cease to exist). 

A shirtless calendar is coming out next year to raise money for a squirt gun arsenal, so PSAFE can put the fires out themselves (Our planet is dying). 

Self-proclaimed “bad boy” PSAFE Hinson will be on the December page, posing as Rock Hard Santa. 

July is no longer looking like California’s driest month, as Officer Porter will be posing wearing firecracker undies (excessive ice melting will eventually drown us all in worldwide flooding). 

You can preorder your calendar today and receive a set of limited edition condoms that exactly replicate the penises of PSAFE (but please for the love of god don’t use them, our ocean already has more plastic than fish).