Last week, five lucky students were shocked to find golden pepperonis on their custom, thin crust pies, forcing them to compete for the position of CEO of Pizza Press. However, their luck soon turned sour when it became clear that Pizza Press was doing nothing more than maiming the contestants. 

One student reported from the hospital that he had shattered every single tooth after being tempted by a mountain of especially crunchy crusts. Another was shrunk to the size of a basil leaf, drowned in a bowl of marinara, and promptly eaten by Dean Jerry Price, who stated last week, “Pizza Press has always supported Chapman students, and their newest endeavor will encourage the entrepreneurial spirit we admire as a university!” 

The students families are preparing a lawsuit against the restaurant, citing the injuries of three students, death of one contestant, and charges that their pizza “is kind of mid.” However, Pizza Press is still celebrating their victor, a Latina woman AND business major, as a win in the male-dominated industry. She is reportedly “relieved” to be alive, and committed to making the next competition “female-led.”