When Phi Gamma Delta and their groupies embarked on their Spring Break Cabo trip, they never imagined the toils in store for them. “Yeah, I got invited because I’m like, basically one of the guys. The other day I was like, ‘oh my god Brandson what are you doing?! You’re so crazy!’ And he was like, ‘shut up bitch,’ and it was so funny,” said Kayla Travers, a sophomore who was invited on the trip. 

Brandson was indeed “crazy” when he contracted  COVID while doing tequila shots off of a random woman’s stomach and then spread it to the rest of the fraternity. Unable to re-enter the United States after testing positive, the boys decided to make themselves at home. “I looked around and was like…dude, it would be way easier to order a marg if everyone spoke English. So I told the other guys left in Orange to come down and we can like, open up our own place and just kind of re-start our lives here,” said Fiji president Kameron Manly.  

Sources have informed us that the bulk of Fiji members have no interest in returning to the U.S. despite having fully recovered. Locals have been told to steer clear of “New Batavia,” where the stretch of beach has been privatized to make way for more house music, blonde women, and larger ice luges.