I used to be excited about outgrowing the kid’s table, until my weird younger cousins also outgrew the kid’s table.

There’s Ray, who used to make “gravy volcanoes” with his mashed potatoes. Now, he’s a brand ambassador for WeedMaps and explaining what the difference between a joint, a spliff, and a blunt is to my uncle.

There’s Johnny, who could never wait to eat until after grace was said. Now, Johnny insists on saying grace himself, adding that Earth is six thousand years old and that he’s grateful for Ron Desantis’ commitment to banning the word g*y.

And who could forget sweet Adaline, who’d sing “The Turkey Song” with Grandpa?  Now, Adaline flaunts a very successful DePop, which she used to sell the last of Grandpa’s possessions after he passed away last spring. 

All this leads me to wonder if I’ve changed since these people last saw me. Well, no! The truth is, I’ve remained the same pure soul since birth, never budging on my morals. I still prefer diapers over underwear, breast milk as my drink of choice, and I’m a proud thumb sucker till I die.