The beginning of Black History Month marked the start of the mad scramble between the students of Chapman University to prove who the wokest is. One afternoon in the Pralle Lounge, looking the room’s singular black inhabitant dead in the face, Freshman Peace Studies Minor Lara Coleman said, “You know- why should black history be just one month? Black History is AMERICAN history”.

Everybody knew it was over instantly. It was perfect. The room erupted in applause and Harriet Tubman $20’s rained from the sky, rewarding Lara for her allyship.

Lara has decided to use her newfound celebrity as Chapman’s wokest to secure a transfer into Chapman’s Screenwriting program, where she will spend her time writing scripts solely based on cultures that are not her own and using italics to signify dialogue written in another language.