It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m horny as FUCK. I know that Valentine’s Day is just a heteronormative holiday that reinforces monogamy in a capitalist society...but baby I Don’t Give A Fuck. I need a goddamn cock in my mouth.

After watching that Little Women shit, I’ve been horny as hell for Timothy Chalamay. (Chalameigh? Camelllet?), He’s inspired me to seek out guys in Dodge — specifically the kind that comment, “Actually it’s called a film” when I use the word “movie” in my Letterboxd review.

I never thought I would stoop this low, but I’ve already hooked up with all 3 guys in Wilkinson and now I need a Kyle from Lady Bird-Type to mansplain why social media is “seriously harming my mental health” even though we met on Grindr. I want a nicotine-addicted, Beautiful Boy type, whose face is shaped like a bicycle seat for me to sit on. And I wanna be fucked like a tight little peach sitting somewhere in Northern Italy, 1983.

Wait, I guess… I just want to fuck Timothée Chalamet(?) Timothée if you’re reading this, hit me up. Until then, I’ll settle for any boy with brown hair in Marion Knott Studios.